


Fools Love

by maa_fuu



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's WEST, Sexy Zone
Genre: I don't actually know Shige so forgive me if I can't write it close to his real character, M/M, a total drama like that morning soap opera your mom will watch, beware of drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-08-08 12:05:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 37,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16429070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maa_fuu/pseuds/maa_fuu
Summary: Kento knows Fuma is cheating on him, but instead of confront him to tell the truth, he acts like nothing's wrong with their relationship. Meanwhile, Shige is always watching Kento and longing him from far. He always wait for the time when Kento will leave Fuma for good, because he knows he can do better.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [This is actually a birthday gift for S](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=This+is+actually+a+birthday+gift+for+S).



> One October morning I listened to Unfaithful and suddenly I thought to myself I want to write this kind of story. And 2 years later, after so many songs I listened, the draft I made that day finally turn into a real fic lol  
> I'm still writing the next chapters, but 5 chapters are done so far, so I can post it every week (hopefully).

Kento is checking the time on the black-metal-clock hanging on the wall in front of him for the xth time. It's already past midnight, and Fuma still not coming home. He sips his coffee. It's his second cup since this evening. He knows it's not good for his health, but he needs the coffee to stay awake.

Scripts for his new drama spread on the table in front of him. He's not reading them, it's his alibi. So when Fuma come in through that door, he could use it as a reason why he is drinking coffee in this late of night and stay awake until morning.

He hears a clatter sound of keys and immediately pretend to read the words on the script.

"You still awake?" Fuma asks as he comes in through the door.

Kento looks at him and smiles, "Yeah, I need to learn this script quickly. I don't have much time left since we still have our concerts and stuffs".

"Okay, but don't push yourself too hard"

Fuma glances at the table as he walks pass Kento to the bedroom and stop midway to turn around and take the cup of coffee in front of Kento.

"Coffee is bad for people like you. It keeps you awake, but it doesn't mean your body is not tired. They can't heal your fatigue, Kento. No more coffee for today!" Fuma scolds him, but then he smiles and bow down a little so he can kiss Kento's cheek.

He walks to the kitchen and put down the cup on the sink before he walks back to the bedroom.

"Good night" he says.

"Good night" Kento whispers when Fuma already closed the door.

Kento takes a deep breath. He slumps back to the chair and closes his eyes.

 _Where were you? Don't lie to me. Because I know exactly where you've been and what you did_.

There are words he wanted to say to Fuma, but he doesn't have the courage to say that. Because he knows, you can't take back words that coming out from your mouth. And he is pretty sure he will regret it if he voices it out loud.

Kento touches the cheek where Fuma left his kiss earlier. It feels burning even though the air in the room is so cold.

**** 

"I don't need dinner. I'm going to stay over at my friend's place tonight" Fuma says.

Kento looks up from his half-finish breakfast, "Which friend?"

He tries his best not to ask him such question, he doesn't want to be that kind of clingy boyfriend, but he really can't help it. He needs to know.

"My course-mate. I don't think you know him even if I tell you his name. We never really talk much actually, but since this semester started I have so many classes with him, and if I want to graduate next year, I really need him as my friend" Fuma says the last sentences with laugh, and that makes Kento smile, if only just a little.

As if he can read the air around his boyfriend, Fuma stops laughing and look at Kento closely. Observing him.

"Is there something I did that upset you?"

A second that taste like eternity stopped Kento's motion as he heard his question.

"What makes you think like that?" he avoids his eyes, and just continue eating.

"You are oddly quiet today, so I wonder am I responsible for this?" Fuma knows Kento is hiding something, because he knows his boyfriend too much. When he lies, Kento never look at his opponent's eyes. And he's been avoiding his eyes since last night.

_Did he knows?_

"Kento?"

One last plead. And Fuma see him take a quite long and deep breath.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be like this, but this university talk is still kind of heavy".

That's not the truth, Fuma can tell. But he lets it slip this time. Afraid if he forces him to tell the truth, then he has to tell him the _whole truth_ too. The truth he's been hiding all this time.

"I thought you have overcome it... I'm sorry I made you feel like that".

"It's okay" he smiles.

Fuma reaches out to grab Kento's hand across from him. He caresses his hand, and softly he says.

"I don't know if this can help to brighten your mood, but today's breakfast is extravagantly delicious".

Kento smiles wider and say, "Really? Even though it is overcooked and almost burnt?"

"Yes! Overcooked and almost burnt. Exactly my like!" 

"You liar!"

There's a hidden accusation there, in the word he means for Fuma, but their moods turned good again, so Kento pretends that it wasn't there, it never exists. And it's always easier like that.

They finished the breakfast and Fuma helped him with washing the dishes. When it's finally the time for Fuma to leave for shooting his new drama, he kisses Kento softly on his lips, and whispering, "I love you".

_Then why are you cheating on me?_

Kento smiles and waves him goodbye. And when the door closed, the smile fade right away.

On his lips, he still can taste and feel the way Fuma kissed him earlier. It was the same person, the same lips, but it tastes different.

It tastes bitter.

**** 

"What's wrong with that face?"

A familiar voice brings Kento back to reality. He turns his head a little to look at the owner of that voice. Shigeoka Daiki walks to his direction, but Kento only smiles weakly to him and avoids his eyes.

"I said what's wrong with that face? Is it Fuma again?" he says as he sits on the empty space next to Kento.

Kento stays quiet, he wonders how could Shige knows everything.

"Maybe?" he answers unsurely, and Shige just give him a confused-look.

"I mean, I don't know if it's me or him" he admits, but his vague answer just confuses Shige more.

"Want to tell me the whole story?" Shige offers and Kento sighs.

"Tell me, Shige, am I lacking something?" Kento turns suddenly and look at Shige.

"...I don't know?" Shige answers.

Kento sighs again, "I know it would be useless to ask you".

Shige knows that Kento is seriously asking him about something important just now, but he doesn't know what to answer because to him, he lacks nothing. Instead of saying those words straight to his friend, he makes a little detour to convey what he wants to say.

"Are you worried that Fuma finds you not attractive, that's why you feel like you lack something?"

"More or less..." Kento admits.

Shige fold his arms, put his best thinking-hard-face on, "Hmm... Let me see..."

Kento waits patiently, their faces are serious, but then suddenly Shige smiles widely and say something in funny kansai dialect.

"As far as I can see, you lack nothing but some money!"

Kento's serious face turns into a pout in a second. He hits Shige on the head.

"Stupid. I won't ask you for love advice again!" he folds his arms.

"Well I'm not Kotaki, of course I can't give love advice. Besides, even if I'm a pro in giving love advice, what can I say to the master of romance like you?" he laughs.

Kento rolls his eyes, "you know that's not me. It's just my stage persona".

"I know. But, in all seriousness, I really think that you already have everything except for the money. Maybe if you are a billionaire then Fuma will have his eyes fixed on you only"

"He is not that type of guy! Don't make him into such a bad person!" Kento protests.

"Sorry, sorry. Won't happen again" Shige laughs.

When their laughs start to fade, Kento asks again, "But, do you think I'm boring?"

Shige looks surprised by the question. "What? You? Boring?! You're not! You just need the right string to pull and you can be the most interesting person in the world!"

"Really?" Kento asks him unsurely.

"Yes, I mean it. You just need to relax, you're too stressed. Why don't you try something new to release the stress? Who knows it might solve the anxiety problem in your love life, too?"

This time, it's Kento's turn to look like he is thinking very hard. "Hmm, maybe I should do that. What you'd suggest to me then?" he asks.

Shige shorten their distance to whisper to Kento's ear.

"I suggest you try those things called BDSM play? Like that 50 shades something movie. Who knows maybe your boyfriend is a fan?" 

Kento's eyes widen in an instant, he moves back and hit Shige's head again. His face shows he is in disbelief.

"What the heck?! You are gross!" he looks scandalized but he laughs in the same time.

"Thank you. And I take that as a confirmation that you never try such thing. You really should try that then" Shige just laughs louder.

From the end of the corridor, without them knowing, Fuma is watching them.

When he arrived at their usual green room in NHK hall, Fuma only found Shori and Sou. Both told him that Kento went to the coffee machine. But when he finally found him, he saw Kento and Shige. They looked like they're having a serious conversation, but then he saw Shige leaned closer to Kento and whispered something to him. In a second, he could feel a very uncomfortable feeling bloomed in his chest. Then he saw Kento hit Shige's head and they both laughed. Now, he started to feel irritated.

"Nakajima."

Kento turns his body and look at his boyfriend, a few meters away behind him. He smiles widely when he sees Fuma.

"When did you come?" Kento says as he stands to his feet.

"Just now" Fuma answers simply.

Now it’s Shige’s turn to smile weakly. For the thousandth times, he has to look at Kento's back. Watching him smile to Fuma. Envious, but he won't show his true feelings to anyone, because he knows Kento only have love for Fuma.

"Go, your Prince Charming just came to pick you up" he whispers to Kento.

Kento looks back to Shige, his smile this time is really beautiful, but that smile only reserved for Fuma.

"Thanks for your unhelpful advice! Now, I gotta go. See you on stage!" Kento says then he runs a little to Fuma's direction.

Shige watches the couple walk together side by side until they disappear from his sight. He sighs, and notice a cup of coffee near him. It's Kento's coffee. He must be really happy to see Fuma until he forgot about it.

_Pathetic coffee, just like me._

He takes the cup, and drink all the liquid left in it. Somehow he can smells Kento's lip-gloss from the cup. It smells strawberry. But it tastes bitter, really bitter.

**** 

_"I'm staying over at Juri's tonight. Don't wait for me."_

Kento sighs as he read the message Fuma sent to him. He knows the exact reason why Fuma is staying at Juri's place tonight; because they are hanging out in that place. The same club, with the same _friends_.

He looks at his phone again, pick it up, and send Fuma a reply, "Okay then, have fun!".

There's a frustration hidden in the message he sent. If they were face to face, Kento sure that he would say it in challenging way, mocking, or whatever unpleasant way that would betray the literal good meaning of those words. But he also knows that he can't. He is too kind, or just stupid. He doesn't know anymore.

Kento lets his phone drop from his hands to the table. His mind is empty. For a second, he thinks to himself he finally understands what oblivion is, but he hushes away that thoughts right before it escalates into something that will trigger unnecessary mental break down.

He glances at the clock on the wall. 6 p.m., too early to go to bed, he thinks. He needs to get out from here. He needs distraction. It's all he can do to grab his keys, go to the car park, and drives away from a home that used to be his safety hideout from the cruel world.

15 minutes later he is already in front of his house, _his parents' house_.  
He takes another deep breath before he enters the house full of his childhood memories.

"Kento? What brings you here, son?" his dad greets him in surprise as soon as he enters the house.

"Nothing special. Just thought that I should visit you since it's been a while" he says with smiles. He knows he can't lie to his parents, but even if his parents can see through his lies, they never confront him unless he brings the topic up himself.

"Have you eaten dinner yet, honey?" his mom coming from the kitchen and says.

"No, I haven't" Kento replies.

"Perfect. Now wash your hand and have dinner with us" she says.

 

Kento helps his mother bring all the dishes to the kitchen to wash. His father is in the living room watching a soccer match on TV. If he wants to say something, he thinks, it's the perfect time for it.

So, as he helps his mother wipe the plates she washed and put them back to the counter, he chats about many random things with his mother, trying to find the right time to say it to her. But she is his mother, she knows all those things said to her are not what her son wants to tell her. When they finish with the dishes, she tells him to sit on the dining table again, and she prepares them tea before she finally asks.

"Do you wanna tell me what makes you came here seeking refuge?"

Kento smiles, he knows that he can't hide anything from his mother. He should have just say it from the beginning, no need for those random talks.

"What if you're right and I'm wrong?" he finally says.

"About you and Fuma?" his mother asks again.

"Yes" he nods.

"Well, do you think there's right and wrong in your relationship with him?" she starts before she continues, "I warned you, but I didn't say you are wrong".

"But, I start to think that I made the biggest mistake in my life, mom" Kento says.

"Listen, hun. I always believe that there's no such a thing like right or wrong in love. Sure we all make mistakes, but love is love, if we fall for the wrong person, it doesn’t mean we are wrong to love them. I admit, love needs effort. If in the end it doesn’t work, it’s not the love’s fault. It’s not anyone’s faults. But I know you, and I know Fuma. I can see that you really love each other. There’s no mistake in it." his mother explains.

"If we really love each other, then why I feel like I'm alone in this feeling? I tried my best to make this relationship work, mom. When you asked me if I was sure with my decision to date him, I said I'm sure, I trusted him. But lately, I don't know anymore. I guess I was overconfident with us"

"Sometimes, your best is not your right. You did your best, I know that, but maybe your best is not the right thing to do. Try to see from his side too, you can’t see the whole truth if you only see it with one eye".

Kento is silent. He wonders, what will his mother say if she knows that Fuma is cheating on him, and not just this time. He did this once before.

“I don’t know what happened with you and Fuma. I have a guess, but I’m not gonna say it unless you tell me yourself. But, this much, I can tell you. You always overthink everything. Maybe you should step back a little, learn to love yourself from the beginning again, that way maybe you can finally understand what you should do to make your relationship work” she says, and Kento realizes that his mother is right in away.  
“And I hope, it doesn’t sound like I want you to leave him, but you know, you can always come back here if it’s not working. It’s still your home after all, and we are your parents, we will never turn our back from you” she smiles before she sips her tea.  
Kento smiles too. His problem is still there, but talking with his mother helps him to clear his mind a bit. He sips his tea, they let silence taking over their conversation for a moment before he finally says, “Mom, I still want to try, but can I stay here for the night?”.  
His mother chuckles, “Of course! I told you, it’s still your home”. 

****

“Morning!” Kento says to the occupants of the room and 4 pairs of eyes immediately turn to look at him.

“Morning, Kento-kun!” says Marius cheerfully.

“Where were you? I came home this morning, and you weren’t there” Fuma says worriedly as he walks closer to Kento. And from the side of his eyes, Kento can see the other 3 looking at them in a mild worry.

“Oh! I’m sorry. I went home last night and forgot my charger at home” he tries to explain, but Fuma still looks like he doesn’t understand.

“I mean, my parents’ house and I forgot my charger at our apartment and my phone is dead since last night” he smiles apologetically.

“You could at least call me from your house, or send me a message before you go” Fuma sighs.

Kento walks to the empty coach and drop his bag on the table, Fuma follows him to the coach. “I thought you would stay at Juri’s place longer. You usually come to work from his place whenever you stay over at his place”.

“No, I’m worried about you, so I came home with taxi this morning. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer”

“I’m sorry” Kento says again, his heart feels a bit guilty but also warm when he hears that Fuma is worried about him.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet? My mom packed me some breakfast enough to feed 5 people” he smiles, and at the mention of food, the other 3 that acted like they weren’t there when Fuma talked to Kento earlier, now smiles and gathered around Kento as well.

Maybe, he thinks, his mother is right after all. He overthinks everything. Fuma loves him. He made mistakes, but that’s because he’s human, and even though it’s hurt, Kento knows he will always forgive him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm sorry, maybe once a week is too short for me, I will just update it once in 2 weeks from now on :")

“Where are you going?” Fuma asks Kento when he wakes up and see his boyfriend already in his jacket and looking too good to just stay at home.

“Um, I promised Shige to accompany him buying clothes today. I made you breakfast, or lunch, since it’s almost noon. I’ll come back after dinner. Bye, Fumatan!” Kento says as he gathers his belongings and put it inside his bag. He kisses Fuma on the lips before he finally leaves.

_They are just friends_

Fuma tries to hush away the annoying feeling he feels whenever he hears Kento mentioning Shige’s name. But it’s hard to do that because he can see that Shige has feelings for Kento. He usually ignores this, but recently he can see that Shige is actually stepping up his game, and he sometimes look at Fuma like he’s saying that he’s going to take Kento from him anytime he would.

It’s time to get up, he thinks. He has drama filming for today, but it starts at afternoon so he better get up now because if he overslept, there’s no Kento to wake him up again. He washes his face before he goes to the kitchen to eat his brunch. Kento made him salad and sandwiches. 

Suddenly, his phone buzzed. It’s a message from her. From the window appear on his phone screen, he can read what she sent. She asks when and where they can meet again. Fuma is considering his options. His schedule is tight as usual, he can’t see any free night where he can go out with Juri and the others. So he grabs his phone, type as he chews the sandwich his boyfriend made for him, ‘I can’t for now, my schedule is tight. I’ll tell you later if I get some free time next week’.

Fuma knows what he did is wrong. He knows that Kento doesn’t deserve this. But he can’t stop seeing that girl. Even though he also realizes that Kento is not stupid, that Kento already see through his lies. But still, he can’t stop.

He tries to remember how it all started, and his brain take him to the memories from 2 years ago. He was casted in a drama where he met a girl he knew from when they were younger. Kento knows her too, because they were all once casted in that drama from years ago when they were still a fresh Jrs. Kento acted together with her once in 2011, but he is not close with her. Unlike Fuma, who met her again 2 years ago. They immediately became friends, and somehow things started to go wrong since then. 

Fuma heard people say that there’s no word ‘just friend’ between man and woman, and he proved it himself when his friendship with that girl turned into something more romantic. Although he was already together with Kento at that time, that didn’t stop him from seeing that girl. Until one day, a few pictures leaked, and even though it didn’t cause them any meaningful trouble, they decided to end their relationship. The main reason why he ended it was because of Kento. He pleaded to Kento to never leave him the same night he broke up with that girl. He promised that he would never do that again, and Kento, with his love and kindness, just smiled and hugged Fuma, saying that he forgave him. 

But, even with thousand promises, Fuma still found himself in the same situation again right now. This new girl, he met her through friends in this industry. They soon attracted to each other because turned out they have so many same likings. And Fuma been meeting her regularly under the pretense of meeting another friend with his friend; Juri and the others. Of course, Juri doesn’t know about this hidden relationship, and Fuma is sure if he knew he won’t let Fuma mess up with life like this. But, even though he can fool Juri and the others, he can’t fool Kento.

Kento been looking at him with this suffocating look in his eyes lately, and Fuma often find his boyfriend staring into nothing but eyes clearly screaming and self-loathing himself, even though he is clearly do nothing wrong in this scenario. It hurts to see him like that, but no matter how hurt he look, Fuma can’t make himself stop. He wonders if he has some mental sickness or something.

He even considering meeting professionals to solve his problems. Because he clearly can see and feel that he loves Kento, but he also desires the girl. He knows the girl is not serious with him, and he knows he is basically killing Kento day by day with his lies, but still he can’t stop even though it’s clear to him that he should leave the girl and stop himself from ripping his lover’s heart apart.

His phone buzzed again and he’s back to the reality. The girl sent him a simple ‘OK’ to his earlier message. He puts his phone down, and go to the bathroom, deciding a cold shower will make him more awake and clear his head.

 

****

 

“We keep making promises about shopping together for years since I came to Tokyo. And now that we finally fulfilled the promise, I don’t know what else we should do” Shige laughs.

They are in a family restaurant, sitting in the most hidden seats they could find. They strolled around the city looking for clothes and just enjoy the time they rarely have to relax and be themselves until Shige decided that he is hungry and drag Kento to the nearest restaurant at 3 p.m.

“Yeah, I know, we’ve been planning so many things, but when we finally on it we don’t know what to do” Kento laughs too. “Should we go and see around again?”

“Nah, I’m tired. What about we go to Rainbow Bridge, next? You can teach me how youngsters in Tokyo spend their weekend there!” Shige suggests.

“That’s a terrible idea. Fans will gather in a matter of second and our ‘free day’ will officially over then” Kento says.

“Then what you would suggest? I’ve been living in Tokyo for a few years, but I never get to know how people in Tokyo enjoy themselves.”

“Hmm, it’s hard since we both can’t be seen in public without making it into a problem. We don’t have guards with us” Kento says and he stays silent for a few second before he says again, “What about a movie?”.

“What? That’s your best idea?” Shige mocks him and laughs.

“Well, we still can enjoy ourselves there without attracting people’s attentions” Kento says.

“But we have cinemas in Osaka too! The purpose of today’s meeting is to let me finally learn how people in Tokyo live!” Shige complains.

“Oh, come on! You can sulk, and I will leave you, or you can get up now, and go to the cinema with me. Your choice” Kento says.

“You are the worst guide ever! But okay, let’s go watch some movies” Shige says.

Actually, Kento can suggest anything and Shige knows he will follow him everywhere, but it’s not fun if he just agree to whatever Kento said to him, because that way, his attempt to conceal what he feels for Kento will be ruined.

Shige knows since long time ago that he has a crush on this weird Jr. from Tokyo. But only after he debuted with Johnny’s WEST and moved to Tokyo that he realized that his feeling is no longer in the ‘crush’ zone. But, by the time he realized his feelings, he learned that Kento and Fuma are together, and they’ve been officially together even before their debut with Sexy Zone. There’s no place for Shige in Kento’s heart, he knows that, but Kento considers him as one of his very few real friends, so Shige told himself that if it’s all he could get, then he would just accept his fate and stay near Kento as his friend.

But sometimes, it’s hard to act his part when Kento coming to him asking if he lacks something. He knows Kento loves Fuma, but he also knows that Kento been questioning his relationship with Fuma for years. 

It’s started 2 years ago, when pictures of Fuma and a girl they knew leaked on internet. Before Shige found out about Fuma and his then secret girlfriend, Kento already knew about them, but he never said anything, instead he asked Shige random questions about himself. Most questions were screaming his insecurities and Shige couldn’t understand where this insecurities came from, until one day he heard about Fuma and those photos. He remember he never felt so hurt in his life. He is hurt because Fuma got the thing he wants the most in the world, but he breaks that precious thing in pieces with his bare hands.

Since then, he can’t stop thinking about taking Kento away from Fuma. But, no matter how much he tries to be there, Kento still think of him as his friend, nothing more. Shige knows it may take longer for him to make Kento realize that he deserves someone better than Fuma, he honestly thinks he can do better, but for now, he will just stay by his side, trying to be the best friend he ever has, and hoping that one day, he can be more than that.

 

****

 

Fuma comes out from the shower and find Kento still in his exact position when he came home 30 minutes ago; on the couch, snuggling with Bonita while watching variety show on TV. He stops for a moment and observing his boyfriend. He realizes it's been a while since the last time he really looks at him, and he notices that some things had changed from the older boy. Some things can be put into words, like how he notices that Kento been losing some weight despite having midnight snacks almost every day, but some other things are not easy to be put on words. He thinks to himself, maybe it's his fault for noticing these changes just now, because as he said before, it's been a while since he really looks at his boyfriend.

He still doesn't know what it is, but he feels like despite the tiredness that can be seen clearly from his entire body, Kento looks positively stunning, like he develops a new aura around him. Fuma doesn't know what it is, but it intrigues him and it makes him walk closer to the couch, climbing on top of Kento, and shooing Bonita away while doing it.  
Kento smiles when Fuma climbs on top of him, "You're blocking the TV. And poor Bonita, she done nothing wrong to deserve that kind of treatment".

"She deserves it, because she knows I don't really like sharing my boyfriend with her," Fuma says while playing with Kento's hair.

Kento just chuckles. He turns off the TV and throw the remote to the table near them before he looks at Fuma and says, "How is your day?".

"Stressful. I mean, the casts and staffs are so nice and fun, but that doesn't make it stress-free to film this drama" Fuma says to Kento.

"It's okay. I know you can pull it through" Kento smiles and stroke Fuma's cheek with his right hand.

"Yeah," Fuma replies simply before he leans down to kiss Kento.

Fuma kisses him lightly, and he strangely feels safe when he kisses Kento like this. Kento tastes like home, and Fuma doesn't need permission when he gradually deepen their kiss, licking and nibbling Kento's lip. Kento opens his mouth and Fuma slips his tongue immediately. The older one lets out a small moan when his tongue meets Fuma's.

They break the kiss to fill their lungs with oxygen. When Kento's eyes meet Fuma's, he sees his pupils have grown darker. "Aren't you tired?" Kento asks him.

"I am. But I miss you," Fuma answers him right away.

Kento pushes Fuma so he is forced into a sitting position. The younger one looks confused at first, but not for too long, because then Kento stands up and tug him along to the bedroom. He closes the door when they both in it, to make sure Bonita won't interrupt them. His fingers still linked with Fuma's, and he leads the younger boy to the bed, pushing him down to the pile of pillows, before he climbs on top of him and kiss his lips. Kento doesn't need reservation either to turn his kiss into a more passionate one. 

"You know beds are always more comfortable than couches," Kento whispers directly to Fuma's ears in a husky voice.  
Fuma chuckles and say, "I miss you".

His words make Kento smiles widely, and he sees no lies in his next words, "I miss you, too. I really do".

Fuma plays with Kento's hair again before he caress his cheek gently and say, "It feels weird how we practically live together, basically see each other everyday, but I still feel like it's been a long time since the last time we see each other".

A weird emotion flashing through Kento's eyes when he heard what Fuma said, but it is just for a moment, so Fuma doesn't have time to translate what it is. But maybe he doesn't need to, because Kento's next words successfully take him off guard and giving him a little shard of what that emotion entailed.

"You have no idea how much I miss you, and how much I feel so alone even when you're near me" Kento says quietly, as if afraid Fuma would be mad at him for saying what's on his mind.

Guilt suddenly taking over Fuma’s whole emotion. Now it's him that pushing Kento's shoulders so he can sit and talk to him properly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that".

"I know," Kento says, still in a quiet voice. After a few silent seconds he continues, "I know you didn't mean to make me feel like that. And I know your friends mean so much to you, and I really am trying to understand that my boyfriend is the biggest social butterfly I ever knew... but sometimes... sometimes I wish that just _me_ is enough for you".

_Please, leave her... Just stay with me... Please._

Fuma doesn't know what to answer except for another apology, so he says it again and again, "I'm sorry".

"No, _I_ am sorry" Kento shakes his head, and he continues, "I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I guess I'm just tired, that's why I'm talking nonsense".

Fuma shakes his head, "No, it's your feelings so it's not nonsense. And what we say about being honest with our feelings? I don't want to fight with you like we did years ago. If you wanna say something, say it".

"No, really, it's nothing" Kento says.

But Fuma won't let it slide, "Kento".

The problem is Kento is afraid he might really fight with Fuma if he confronts him about that girl. He feels stupid for feeling like this, and he doesn't need a fight to feel more stupid than he really is. Because, he cheats or not, it's Kento's decision to stay with Fuma. He is positive he loves Fuma more than that girl, and he won't let himself lose Fuma because of her.

Fuma still looking straight to Kento's eyes. He can hear his heart beating so uncomfortably fast and loud. Maybe he just crosses a line he never wants to cross, he thinks. But on the other hand, he wants to make Kento feel safe. He has so many insecurities, and Fuma hates it when these insecurities eating him day by day. He admits, it's funny and confusing at the same time, because he wants to erase those insecurities when he actually the one who growing them there. But he knows that at this moment all he wants is just to erase them away, even for just one night.

When Kento finally gathered his courage, he thinks to himself, maybe a little truth won't destroy them. "I wish to spend more time with you. But it seems so impossible because everytime you got free time, you spent it with Juri and the others. I don't want to take you away from your friends, but it's like I'm the only one who tries so hard to make this relationship works".

"I'm sorry" Fuma says. After a few seconds he says again, "I don't know you feel like that about this relationship. I know I’m a bad boyfriend…. Is there anything I could do to make you feel better?"

Kento considers his options. He can tell the truth, telling him to leave the girl and destroy his own relationship with Fuma because he is sure it would lead them to a fight, or just tell him to stay without telling him why he wants him to stay.

The second option sounds better to him. "Stay with me. It's enough for me as long as you stay with me".

Fuma looks into Kento's eyes, and he still sees insecurities, so he pull him to his arm and hug him tightly. "I promise I will spend more time with you from now on".

_Don't make promise you can't keep._

Kento hides his face on Fuma's neck before he whispers, "Thank you". Then he adds shyly, "And sorry for ruining the mood, too".

Fuma smiles and shake his head. "It's okay, we can get it back anytime"

They pull away and look at each other eyes, and Fuma still sees insecurities left in Kento's eyes. He wants to erase them, so he does the thing he knows will make them go away. 

He kisses him gently, carefully but without any hesitation. He kisses him like he is the most delicate and precious thing ever live in this world.

Kento melts right away to the kiss. His hands rest on Fuma's shoulders, while Fuma's hand settles on his nape, with his thumb caressing the back of his hair. They break the kiss to look at each other again. 

“If you wanna sleep now, it’s the right time to stop, because if we continue, I won’t let you sleep without getting what I want first” Fuma says with his naughty but handsome smile.

Kento just chuckles, “I’m not lying when I said I miss you, so go ahead. How do you want me?”

Fuma’s smile turns into a full out grin in a matter of second, and he kisses Kento again while maneuvering Kento to climb on top of him while he lay back to his earlier position.

In the next minutes, Fuma tosses Kento’s shirt to the floor, and help himself get out from his shirt because Kento can’t seem able to do anything but devouring Fuma’s lips. When he has to really pull away and get up to get out from his shirt, Kento whines, and it reminds Fuma of Bonita earlier when he pushed her from the couch. He can’t help his chuckles.

“Slow down, we got all the night,” Fuma reminds Kento, because they indeed have all the night together. None of them have to go early tomorrow.

But his kind reminder just make his boyfriend pout even more. So Fuma kisses him again on the lips after he throw his shirt to join Kento’s on the floor. After a while, he feels that this sitting position become a little bit uncomfortable because Kento been kissing him with force until he has to hold himself straight to not give in to Kento’s force. And an idea popping out in his head. Slowly, he is taking over the kiss, and he pushes Kento back until his body meets the mattress. 

Fuma keeps kissing Kento while his clever fingers go down until he find Kento’s trunks. He slips his hand under the fabrics to touch Kento where he wants the most. When he grabs it, Kento’s cock already half hard and Fuma strokes him lightly, teasing him. Kento broke the kiss to moan, and Fuma feels a hot air puff near his left ear as Kento lets out a moan near that ear.

After a few strokes, Fuma gets Kento out from his trunks as well so he is now naked and he stares at his boyfriend, totally under his mercy with just a few strokes on his cock. 

Feeling too exposed like that, Kento whimpers, and he grabs Fuma’s trunks, demanding equality. But, instead of get himself out from his trunks, Fuma leans down to kiss Kento’s neck. Then he moves down to his nipple. Kiss one with a lot of tongues until it got wet and hard. He did the same to the other one, but not for too long, because now he moves even further down to his stomach. He circles Kento’s navel with his tongue before going even further down again.

Each pleasures Fuma gives to him made Kento losing all sanity faster than a glass of wine can do to him. Then Fuma’s hand grabs his erection, and he feels a wet and hot tongue licking his tip, and he swear to god he could just come like that. 

Kento is so impatient tonight, the moment Fuma’s tongue touch his tip, Kento jerks and thrust to his lips, wanting for more than just a teasing hot wet tongues on his tip. So Fuma thinks he should not play too much if he doesn’t want his boyfriend sulk and stop this now. 

Fuma holds Kento’s base with his hand and when he finally have Kento’s cock in his mouth, Kento’s moans are getting louder than before. Fuma uses his tongues to give pleasures to Kento, but after he start to seriously suck him, Kento’s cries out a loud moan, and he pushes Fuma’s shoulders, signaling him to stop. “Stop! I can’t---”.

With his warning, Fuma finally let go of his cock, and Kento whimpers a bit when the hotness is gone from around him. Fuma climbs up on top of him and kiss him on his lips for a moment before he finally gets out from the rest of his clothes. He opens a drawer beside their bed, grabs a bottle of lube and a condom.

Fuma didn’t wait longer, after he got his hands lubed thoroughly, he proceeds with preparing Kento. His boyfriend is already hyper-sensitive after his not so little ministration, he moans with every moves Fuma made with his fingers inside him. 

Kento afraids it’s gonna over before it even starts, so he grabs Fuma’s hand after only 2 fingers. “It’s enough” he says.

“No, it’s not” Fuma says as he enters the third fingers.

With three fingers inside him, it finally becomes hard for Kento to hold on. But Fuma won’t listen to his whines. Instead he continue scissoring him with his fingers.

“Fuma! Please, it’s enough” he says, but before Kento can say anything else, Fuma intentionally touch that part that makes Kento cries even louder and now he is shaking like a leaf.

Then Kento feels Fuma’s fingers gone from inside him in a blink. He feels somehow empty, but not for long, because now Fuma is positioning himself in front of his entrance. 

Kento doesn’t even see when did Fuma put the condom, but he doesn’t care. All he cares about is if Fuma doesn’t have his way with Kento right now, Kento might actually go insane in real.

Thankfully, Fuma slowly pushes inside him. And it only takes him one swift motion to finally bottomed out. Kento already on the edge, and he isn’t sure he can wait any longer if Fuma didn’t move now. But Fuma can read him like an open book, so he doesn’t need to say anything.

Fuma thrust into him without any inhibition, and he is quick to build a good rhythm that brings Kento even closer to his release. After a few thrust it becomes unbearable for Fuma too, and he searches for Kento’s lips to move him closer to the edge too.

When Fuma kissed him, the pleasure becomes double for Kento to take, and Fuma only manages to stroke him once before he finally comes with a quite loud moans.

With Kento’s cock pulsing in his palm, and the tightness that suddenly intensified, Fuma comes and he keeps fucking Kento through his release.

After they can calm their panting a bit, Fuma pulls out from inside Kento. He takes off the condom and throw it to the dustbin. Then he grabs Kento’s arm and pulls him into his arms.

“I love you” Fuma whispers to Kento. And Kento just snuggles more into Fuma, kissing his chest, the only part of his boyfriend body that he can reach in that position before he says, “I love you, too”.


	3. Chapter 3

“Something good just happened” Shige says the moment Kento arrived at their meeting point.

What his friend said got him freeze in his motion. “What makes you think so?” Kento asks.

“Well, I don’t mean to be rude to blind people, but only them can’t see from 1000 meter far that you look so happy today,” Shige says again.

Kento just shakes his head and finally move again to claim the empty chair in front of his friend.

“It must be Fuma, right?” Shige asks even before Kento manage to put his bag beside him.

“Seriously. How can you always know about this thing? I really don’t understand how can you understand my mood so much like that?” Kento asks.

Shige rolls his eyes, “Come on, your face is like an open book. It’s really easy to tell whether you’re happy or not”. Before Kento says anything back, Shige continue, “So? What happen now? Did you do that thing I suggested to you the other day?”

“Of course not!” Kento looks shocked, but he continues, “But I kinda sort things out with him. I guess it won’t hurt to say my relationship is no longer in danger at this point”.

Shige just make a noncommittal sound to that. He cannot let his emotion ruling him, but it’s so hard to say something that won’t sound like he is unhappy with that news. It’s already so hard to let a smile slip from his face. 

Thankfully, Kento changes the topic. “By the way, I can’t go out with you tonight”.

“What?” Shige tries to look shocked. “But you promised me you will take me out to see a nightlife in Tokyo months ago!”

“I know! But I’m so sorry, something came up so I really can’t go with you tonight” 

Kento didn’t say that he is cancelling his plan with Shige for Fuma, but Shige knows it anyway. Because what other reason he has beside Fuma? 

“You are no fun! I should have just ask Marius to take me out. I bet he secretly knows all the good places to drink cocktails in Tokyo” Shige says and pout.

“Don’t you dare taking my group baby out for a drink! He is still minor, even though I understand he completely look legal now, but he is still 16!” Kento laughs.

“Well if you cancel on me next time, I will surely call him to take me out” Shige says, still in his pout.

“Is that a threat?” Kento asks. Shige shrugs and grins.

“I better make sure I won’t cancel our next plan, then” Kento sighs, shake his head, and then he laughs, and that makes Shige laughs too.

 

****

 

“Kento-kun!” Marius shouts from behind.

From all of people he could meet after his conversation with Shige, of course God says it should be Marius. Kento smiles a little. “Hey! Are you coming from school?” Kento asks.

“Yes, it’s really tiring this morning because we got PE class you know. I just glad we already finished our tour, because I don’t think I have enough energy to do more exercise today. And on top of everything I still have assignments to do, so I don’t know how can I manage it if we still have the tour,” Marius sighs.

“I wish I can give you some advice, but I myself is falling behind right now, so I’m sorry I can’t be any help to you” Kento says regretfully.

Slightly Marius looks panic because he afraids he might have said something terrible to Kento. He suddenly stopped and say, “I-I’m so sorry Kento-kun! I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay, Mari” Kento laughs. “It’s not a big deal, I will graduate eventually next year. It’s my decision to take those jobs, and if I’m now falling behind in classes, it’s not really a surprise” Kento says, and he takes Marius arm and link his arm with Marius’. They continue walking like that until they reach their greenroom for today’s photoshoot. 

“Now go and disturb those two” Kento says to Marius before he lets go of his arm and make his way to the couch and sit next to Fuma.

“Where were you?” Fuma asks without looking up from the game he plays on his phone.

“Just meeting up with Shige at the cafe downstairs” Kento says simply. “I got your red velvet” He continues.

“Thanks” Fuma says, and he puts down his phone to eat the cake.

“Tonight is your turn to make dinner, what you gonna make?” Kento says while rummaging the inside of his bag, searching for his script.

Fuma stops chewing his cake and he clears his throat before he speaks, “About that, can I go meet my friends tonight?”

Kento stops and looks up to meet Fuma’s eyes, “I thought you stop going out with Juri and the others.”

“Yeah, but my high school friends been begging me to meet up with them for months” Fuma says, deliberately avoiding Kento’s eyes, before he adds “Can I go?”

Kento knows Fuma is lying. Again. “Sure, it’s been a while since you meet them after all”.

“Thanks! You’re the best!” Fuma says, and he takes another spoon of his cake.

Reluctantly Kento reach for the script in his bag and pretending to read them.

_I’m just the best when I let you destroying us._

 

***

 

Kento knows what he did will only hurt him, but the thought of what consequences awaits him could not stop him from doing what he is doing right now.

He met the girl this afternoon, right after he finished the photoshoot with his bandmates. The girl called Fuma by his surname, but the way she looked at Fuma is like she is stripping him naked, and Kento averted his gaze right away, not ready to read what else those eyes will tell him just by the way she is looking at his boyfriend. Fuma acted so natural when he met her to the point that making Kento sick and wanted to go throwing up right at the spot between them. He ended up giving the girl a stiff smile before he went to the car and leaving Fuma talking with the girl for a bit more.

He considered to ask the driver to drive him to his parents’ house because all suddenly it’s hard for him to breathe with Fuma near him. But turned out, he didn’t have to, because a minute later his boyfriend showed up at the car park and said to their driver to go without him, because he is heading somewhere else to meet with ‘friends’. Fuma gave him a smile, and Kento gathered the last strength he had at that moment to smile and say “Have fun!” to him.

But it was an hour ago. Kento been trying his best to keep his mind occupied and forget the fact that his boyfriend is somewhere, waiting for that girl to finish her job so they can go to the girl’s place, or hotel maybe.

He sighs. The more he listens to the clock ticking in this fucking suffocating apartment that once was the safest place for him in the world, the more he feels that he is dying, and going insane.

Kento can hear the last ticking sound of the clock before it shows that it’s already 9.45. He knows where Fuma is, and he knows that girl is probably finished with her work by now. When he finally grabs the car key, Kento knows it’s already too late. He is losing his mind.

That’s how Kento ended up in the parking lot somewhere in Tokyo, where the club that Fuma always visits to meet the girl is located. He knows the club because when Juri first asked Fuma to go with him, he asked Kento too. Kento doesn’t really like this kind of place, so he refused Juri’s offer, but he told Fuma to go, because Juri is his best friend. If only he knew it would all turn like this, he would never, in the name of God, let his boyfriend go.

The first time he realized Fuma is cheating on him again was when Fuma lied to him and said that he met with Juri and Shin at that club. Kento knows it was a lie because he saw Juri and Shin at a restaurant near their agency building right after Fuma said he is going to stay at ‘their place’. 

He wonders now, how stupid he can be for deciding to act normal the next day Fuma came home and making him the breakfast like he always do, after he spent the night crying on his pillow. But he reasoned he loves Fuma so much, and he knows Fuma loves him too, so it’s okay for Fuma to make that mistake. But when he smelled a woman’s perfume on his boyfriend’s clothes a few weeks later when he came home at 4 in the morning, he knows it’s not because of love, it was more because Kento is afraid Fuma is going to leave him, and he knows he can’t go from him. He doesn’t know how to live without Fuma, his life revolves around him after all.

He is a fool, he knows. 

The clock on his phone is showing 11.25 now, and Kento almost wants to give up and he actually thinking about going back before it’s too late, before he do something he might regret. But then he heard footsteps echoes in the empty parking lot. He immediately stops in his motion so they won’t discover him even though his car’s windows are tinted so black to protect him from prying eyes outside. From the opposite corner where he parked his car, he can see Fuma walking side by side with the girl. The girl laughs and says something to him, but Fuma is just smiling, looking like he is not really interested with whatever the girl saying.

Before he can think, Kento grabs his phone and dial Fuma’s number. He sees Fuma stops in his motion to reach for his phone in his pocket. Fuma looks at the caller ID, but he just stand there looking at his screen, his face is unreadable. Kento can feel the agony of watching his boyfriend ignoring his call eating him alive inside out. The ring from the phone stop. Kento still has the phone on his right ear when he sees Fuma clicking something on his phone and put it inside his pocket again before following the girl inside the black car behind him. The car leaves, and Kento dial the number again, but he went straight to voicemail. Fuma has turned his phone off. 

 

***

 

Shige jolts and wakes up when he realizes the sound of Kento’s voice calling his name is not a dream. He looks at the clock on his nightstand, it shows 1.13. He gets up from the bed and goes for the door. When he opens it, he is face to face with red-faced Kento with tears stains on his cheeks. Before he can ask what happen though, Kento already hug him tightly. And it was all he can do to close the door and hug him back.

They hug behind the closed door, and Shige lets Kento cry silently on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how long, but they stand there for maybe no less than 5 minutes before Shige finally can feel that Kento is calming down.

“Come” he says, and he takes Kento’s hand to guide to him to sit on the couch.

Once Kento sits on the couch, Shige stands up again and walks to the direction of the kitchen. He takes a bottle of mineral water from his refrigerator, he walks back, and he shoves it to Kento who gives him a weak and small smile as a thank you.

“Want to tell me why you coming here at 1 a.m just to cry on my shoulder?” Shige asks after he watch Kento gulps down half of the water in the bottle.

There’s no answer for a moment before Kento says weakly “I’m a fool, Shige,” his gaze fixated on the bottle in his hands.

“It’s about Fuma, right?” Shige asks carefully, before he adds, “What happened?”

Kento is silent, and Shige afraid he might just cross a line here, but before he can say an apology, Kento speaks again, “He cheats on me… For the second time.”

Honestly, Shige is so lost right now, he doesn’t know what to react to that. Actually he knows what he wants to do, he wants to punch Fuma so badly, or shaking Kento and make him wake up from all this bullshit he calls relationship. But in the end he just say, “I’m sorry.”

Silence engulf them for quite a long time. Kento just sitting there, looking so lost in his own mind, and Shige waits patiently beside him, waiting for him to say something.

When Kento doesn’t seem he wants to speak anymore, Shige sighs deeply. And he says, “Kento, I don’t know exactly what happened, but I know you’re hurt so much right now. And it’s not my place to butt in like this, but do you really think he is the one for you?”

What Shige says successfully get Kento’s attention. He looks at Shige. He averts his gaze a few times before he finally resigns and says while looking at the bottle in his hands again, “I don’t know, Shige… I don’t know.”

Kento stays with his silence, and Shige thinks if it will cost him their friendship, then let it be. As long as he can get Kento out from this mess, as long as he can make Kento see that Fuma is not the one for him, he is ready to do anything. Including confessing his feelings to him.

“You know about my feeling for you,” Shige says, more as a statement than a question. 

“You know I love you, right?” he continues.

Now Kento looks troubled. His eyes showing that he is struggling to say something back to Shige. To turn him down. But since the beginning Shige knows there’s no hope for him, so before Kento can say anything that will surely hurt him, he takes Kento’s hand, hold it in his hands. With that gesture, Kento finally looks up to meet Shige eyes.

“I’m sorry, Shi-” before Kento can finish his word, Shige already cut him.

“Listen. I’m not confessing to you right now. And I’m not going to confess to you in the future either. Because I know you know about my feelings,” Shige stops for a moment. He looks at the hand in his hands.

“I love you, that’s why it hurts me to see you hurt like this. You’ve been dying for years, Kento. And you don’t even realize that.” Silence for a moment before Shige looks at Kento’s eyes and says.

“Leave him.”

Shige’s words are so clear. There’s no way Kento could misheard him. But leaving Fuma is not a way out for Kento. Fuma is his lifeline. Leaving him means death for Kento.

“But you know it’s not possible for me. My life revolves around him. He is literally my lifeline, Shige,” Kento tries to reason him why he can’t leave Fuma. 

“That’s not how I see it. He is not your lifeline. He is the one who’s choking you with the line, Kento. He is not saving you. He drags you further to destruction, and it’s time for you to call it quit.” Shige says.

What Shige said hits deep. If he is honest with himself, Kento knows that this relationship is toxic for him, but he really doesn’t want to let go of Fuma, that’s why he stays. He pretends nothing is wrong between them. But now someone finally said it right to his face, he doesn’t think he can pretend anymore.

As if he can read Kento’s mind, Shige says again, “Leave him, Kento. That’s the best thing you should do to save yourself.”

Shige’s right, and Kento knows that. A tear slips from his eyes without his consent, and then follows with another. Seeing the tears coming out from Kento’s eyes, Shige feels like he would cry as well. But he holds himself. Instead of crying, he takes Kento to his arms. Hugging him, hiding him from the world so he could let the tears come freely.

 

When Kento opens his eyes, he is snuggling on the couch with blanket covering him from the cold. He sits up and looks around. He remembers last night. What he saw, why he cried, and the conversation between him and Shige. Everything.

With one look, he can tell there’s no one in Shige’s apartment. He is alone there. But then his eyes caught a letter on the table in front of him.

_Good morning,_

_I have a filming today, and unfortunately I won’t be back until late night. I made you breakfast, and if you need to borrow some clothes, just take anything you like. If you decide to go home, please text me. I left the key on the kitchen table, just take the key with you and give it to me when we meet next time._

_About last night, I hope you will consider it seriously. Because I don’t want to see you hurt anymore._

Kento feels like he can cry again just by reading Shige’s letter. He knows Shige has feelings beyond friendship for him. But he can see Shige is suppressing his feelings, that’s why Kento acted like he didn’t realize it for the sake of their friendship. But after last night, they can’t pretend anymore. Kento can’t pretend that he is not hurting Shige with all the stories about his relationship with Fuma anymore.

He decides to get up instead of crying. He had enough crying for a year in just one night. He can see the two onigiris on the small dining table across the small room. When he finally stands up and walks to the table, he looks at the clock on the wall. It’s already 10.30, and he is sure Fuma must be at the location to shoot his drama already. As if he knows that Kento is thinking about him, his phone’s buzzing, and Kento doesn’t even need to check his phone to see that the call is from Fuma. 

Kento eats the onigiris Shige made slowly while listening to his phone buzzes again on the table in front of the couch.

 _Let him know how it feels like to be ignored_. The voice inside him says.

When he finish eating, he drinks a glass of water, then wash the plate and glass he used. He walks back to the coach, fold the blanket he used earlier and then just sits there looking at his phone on the table. There’s 21 missed calls, and 8 unread messages. It was all from Fuma, who else.

After a few minutes passed, Kento finally takes his phone from the table and open the LINE app to see what Fuma sent.

 

05:51  
_I just came back. Are you at your parents’ house again?_

06:45  
_Hey, I’m leaving for filming now. Call me when you wake up._

09:13  
_Kento, it’s not funny. I just called your parents, and they said you’re not there._  
_Answer my calls, please? Tell me where are you?_

10:34  
_Kento, please I beg you, please answer my call…_  
_Where are you?_

10:35  
_Did something happened last night? Is that why you called me?_

10:43  
_Kento, please it’s not funny at all!_

 

When he finished read the messages, and stare at the chat room, suddenly a new message came in. Fuma must have seen that Kento already read his messages.

 

11:51  
_Kento?_

 

And even before he can think about whether he should reply him or not, Fuma calls him. Kento freezes for a moment, he doesn’t want to speak with Fuma now, but he is not sure if not answering is the right thing to do. He hasn’t make his decision yet, talking to him now will only make him surrender again, and that’s not what he wants.

In the end, Kento just ignore the call, and he receives another message.

 

11:53  
_Why are you ignoring my calls???_  
_Seriously. Where are you?!_

 

Kento thinks to himself for a moment. All this time he always thinks about the meaning behind the word ‘a little truth won’t hurt’. He always thinks about that whenever he found himself stuck between Fuma and his lies. But you know what the real truth here? Those words are lies. The truth always hurt. Little or not, finding the truth about how your significant other cheating on you will always hurt. And this time he will give him the truth too, so he will know a little prick on your finger can draw bloods too.

 

11:54  
_I’m at Shige’s place since last night._

 

Kento’s phone buzzes again after he sent that message. Fuma calls him again, but Kento clicks the reject button without even thinking about it. Then he turns off his phone, stash it into his bag before he finally leaves Shige’s apartment.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want a nasty breakup but even myself is not sure if I'm ready to post this orz

Fuma gets off from the car that taking him home after a long day at filming location. He says good night to his manager and the driver before he glances to the 8th floor to see the light in their apartment is on. Kento is home.

All day long he pretended to be the usual cheerful and easygoing Fuma when actually he is confused and frustrated inside. Kento is the main reason why today feels like a torture to him. After he sent a message telling him that he stayed at Shige’s place, Fuma tried many times to call him on every opportunities he could get between the filming, but Kento never answer his calls. He just can’t understand why Kento suddenly treat him like that. Well, another lies, he has a hunch of what happened, but if it’s really because of the sin he made, why now? 

He opens the door with the key he takes from inside his pocket. He walks inside immediately and he found Kento sitting on the dining chair. Fuma is sure that Kento can hear him coming, but he doesn’t bother to turn around and smile at him, greet him like he always do every other night he came home late.

Fuma drops his bag on the floor and takes off his jacket before he finally sit on the chair across from Kento.

“Let’s break up.” Kento doesn’t beat around the bush and tell Fuma what he wants. 

Fuma is baffled by the sudden statement. It takes him a moment to process the word before he finally can ask, “Why?”

“I think we both know why.” Kento says, finally he looks up to meet Fuma’s eyes.

This is it, Fuma thinks. But even with the clear words coming from Kento’s mouth, Fuma still want to act like he doesn’t understand what he said, “I don’t know what you mean”

Kento shakes his head, and laughs because he cannot believe that Fuma acts like he doesn’t know his own sin now.

“Please, don’t treat me like a fool more than you already did to me in the past few months.” Kento suddenly stops laughing and say with his eyes locked on Fuma’s again.

Fuma is taken aback by the sudden change in Kento’s attitude around him. He avoids Kento’s eyes eventually, for the first time in forever, he hates looking at those brown eyes he loves so much.

“I know what you do, Fuma. I know about her!” Kento says the last words with a bit of vehement. “Don’t treat me like a fool.”

Still no words from Fuma, he doesn’t really know what could he say in this situation. Kento’s demand is clear. The reason why he wants it is even clearer. But Fuma doesn’t want it. But he can’t explain why he cheated and still want to have Kento as his at the same time.

After a deafening silence, Kento opens his mouth again, he sounds resign, “Whatever. Just do what you like. But I’m breaking up with you.”

Then Kento stands up from the chair, Fuma looks up immediately when Kento gets up. “No, please don’t go!” 

Now Fuma is standing too, his hand grabs Kento’s hand to prevent him from going further.

But what he did seems to break the last switch in Kento, because he suddenly turns around and yells, “For God’s sake, Kikuchi! Let me go!”

“No!” Fuma yells back, his chest tighten by the sound of his surname coming from the same mouth that still call him ‘Fuma’ a minute ago.

“Listen, Kento, I’m sorry! But please give me another chance, I swear it won’t happen again!” Fuma pleads, but his words only makes Kento feels angrier.

“Do you think I will fucking believe that?! I forgave you once, but I don’t think I can do it again this time!” Kento yells louder. He desperately wants to cry, but he feels like his tears are dry already after all the tears he let out last night.

“Just fucking calm down and listen to me for a moment!” Fuma finally loses his composure too.

Kento pulls his hand violently to free it from Fuma’s grip. He points his finger to Fuma’s face, “No, you listen to me!”

“I let you fuck me after you fucked that girl!! Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?!” Kento yells louder, and he is not finished yet.

“I only let you do that because I thought I knew what I’m doing! I thought I can win you over with love! Because you know what? That girl is not giving a single fucking damn about you! She doesn’t love you!”

His voice is slightly shaken when he continues, “I thought I knew. But, no, I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know why I still love you after all of that, and why I have to break up with you when I’m still so fucking love you...”

Kento takes a moment of silence, but he is not done yet, he says something again, much calmer this time. “You should ask yourself what you want, Kikuchi. But I won’t be around to wait for you to finally make a decision. I’m tired. I don’t want to feel worthless every time you touch me. Or feel miserable on every morning I wake up next to you.”

Now Fuma is completely silent. He wants to fight back, he wants to say something back to him, but he knows it was all his fault. He cheats on him, and he can’t even deny everything because it’s true, he hurted Kento.

He tried asking his heart many times before, but he never found the answer. But this much, he knows, he doesn’t want to lose Kento. He needs Kento to stay by his side until he can figure out what is wrong with him. But he doesn’t have a clue that he hurted him this much. The reason why he can cheat on Kento is probably because he thought Kento will always forgive him, because Kento loves him, so he will never leave. But now Kento seems to finally reached his limit, and it was all his fault. He takes Kento for granted.

In the end, all Fuma can say is just another apology, “I’m sorry.”

Kento looks down, he lets a stuttered sigh out, he feels his chest is tighten. His mind is wandering to their past actions, trying to find when did they go wrong. But he sees too many mistakes, and his face can only showing the pain now.

“I love you,” Fuma says suddenly, after another deafening silence engulfed them.

The words got Kento look up to see Fuma’s face. There is sincerity in there. Kento knows Fuma mean it, but he is done with this relationship. He already think about this through. It’s not a one night decision, he’s been thinking about it for months, but only last night he finally realized that this relationship is not worth fighting for. So he made his decision.

“Then do me a favor and let me go,” Kento says before he adds, “While I still love you, too.”

_Set me free before I hate you_

Fuma stays where he stands, he cannot even look up to see Kento leaving through the door. Leaving him alone in the place they once called home.

 

***

 

The morning after their break up, Fuma found out that Kento already packed his stuffs, and bring them away with him even before Fuma came back home that night. His clothes, books, laptop, even Bonita’s bed is no longer in the corner under the window in the living room. He took all the necessities, but he left behind some stuffs he probably forget he has, or maybe he just simply doesn’t want to remember that he once shared it with Fuma.

And now it’s been two days since they broke up. Fuma hasn’t met Kento since then, and he doesn’t have the courage to text him either. But today they have Shokura filming together, ready or not he has to go and meet Kento at work.

He must admit, that he is kind of afraid facing Kento. And he’s not ready facing his group members, because he doesn’t how to act normal under this situation. He is not ready to be asked questions by the younger three.

His concerns are turning into reality as he walks into their greenroom and three pairs of eyes already looking back and forth between him and Kento who is busying himself in the corner with papers in his hands. Shori, Sou, and Marius looking so unbearably sad that make it hurts more to see them have to get involved in this painful break up.

Fuma pointedly avoiding Kento the whole day, and Kento make it easier by avoiding him too. He even refused to be in the same room if there are only Fuma and another person in the room. Like after they changed to today’s costumes, Shori and Sou went immediately to the backstage, and seeing them leaving, Kento hurried himself to leave as well. It hurts, but Fuma knows he would do the same if Kento didn’t leave first.

The filming process is a bit confusing for Fuma actually. Kento is obviously the greatest actor he knew, because he definitely can act so natural to the point it makes Fuma scared a bit. He is scared because it feels too real, the friendliness he showed to everyone on stage. He feels like he doesn’t know anymore which one is reality and which one is not.

But he is reminded again that they’ve broken up when Marius, of course it would be Marius, asked something unnecessary, really.

“Is it really the end? Kento said this time you guys are breaking up for good, but it’s too sad if you just give up like this. I know you two always fight and argue, but don’t you think that separation is a bit too much?” Marius asks suddenly when he caught Fuma alone on his way to the toilet after they finished filming.

Fuma stops, and that makes Marius stops walking too. He seriously wants to snap on Marius, because seriously, this kid sometimes dangerously crossing the lines he shouldn’t cross. But he takes a deep breath instead and count to five before finally walking past him and says, “It’s none of your business. Leave us alone.”

He hopes the coldness from his attitude and words will make Marius understand that he really should leave them alone.

What Marius said already made him feels like he is on the edge of his composure. But what he saw when he is back to their greenroom is definitely the last string that pulls his emotion to chaos. There’s someone he doesn’t want to see the most in the room with Kento and the rest of his band members.

“I’m sorry I forgot to give it to you yesterday,” Kento says while rummaging the inside of his bag.

“It’s okay, I forgot about it myself,” Shige laughs.

Then Fuma sees Kento found what he searched, a key, and he hands it to Shige.

_Is that why he broke up with me?_

The inside of Fuma’s head is in chaos. When Shige finally turns around to leave, Fuma looks at him angrily. Almost like he can read what Fuma thinks, Shige walks past him with a smirk on his face. 

Fuma walks to the direction of his bag on the couch, and he casually open up a conversation with Kento. 

“I see you have the keys to his apartment now. I wonder how long you have it with you. A week? A month? Or maybe a year?” Fuma asks while busying himself with his bag, pointedly avoiding Kento’s eyes. 

Kento looks confused at first that Fuma suddenly open up a conversation, but when the realization of Fuma’s hidden accusation from his words sinked in, Kento opens his mouth in disbelief. “What are you implying, Kikuchi?”

Maybe the astonishment he can feel from Kento’s words is the thing that make him dare to finally look at Kento again. Because isn’t it supposed to be the other way round? He is the one who should’ve been surprised by the unexpected turn of event.

“What do you think I mean? Isn’t it clear already?” Fuma says, obviously losing his mind by now.

“You are being unreasonable,” Kento shakes his head. 

He decides it’s not worth his time to argue, so he sits and takes his script back to ignore Fuma, but the younger one won’t have it Kento ignoring him before he can get the answer why Kento suddenly leave him.

“Don’t you fucking ignoring me!” Fuma snaps and walks to snatch the papers in Kento’s hands.

“What--!” Kento is shocked by Fuma’s action. He starts losing his composure too.

“Shori, can you take those two out for a while?” Kento looks at their younger bandmates. The look in their faces are aching Kento’s chest so much. They are not supposed to see this.

Sou immediately moves to the door, and Shori takes Marius’ hand in hurry to drag him out from the room. But before they can get out from the room, Fuma already talk again.

“Why are you making them leave? Afraid they will know how you sleep with Shige behind my back?”

Kento’s eyes widen in shock. Fuma just cut the last string that restrained him from losing control.

“You fucking kidding me, right?” Kento starts laughing, but then he snaps.

“Who’s the one fucking a slut behind the other one’s back here?!!”

By the words Kento said, Fuma finally fell to silence. He is suddenly losing words to say back to Kento.

“You should be ashamed of yourself for accusing me cheating with him!” Kento points his finger to Fuma again. Just like that night when he broke up with him.

“I’m not a slut like you, or like that slut you fuck. And Shige is definitely not a liar like you. He respects me! Something you already proved you can’t do!” 

After finishing his words, Kento tries to calm down his rage, but his eyes are still fixated at Fuma with a lot of anger.

Kento closes his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath before he snatches his script back from Fuma, and turns around to collect his belongings. When he takes his bag and finally turn to leave, Fuma opens his mouth again, trying to stop him from leaving.

“Kento, no, I’m--”

But Kento already points his finger again to silence him. “Don’t you dare say that again. I’m not buying your apology anymore.” Kento finally leaves the room.

After Kento vanished from his sight, Fuma drops to the floor. He feels stupid, and he is full of anger. In the end he kicks the chair near him violently until it falls and moves quite far from its original location. 

Shori, Sou, and Marius flinch at the sound of the chair that fell after Fuma kicked it. They are afraid of moving, afraid of making any sound. Because they never see both Fuma and Kento like that. It frightened them.

Marius’ vision is already blurred by the tears he hold, when they suddenly hear someone speaks behind them at the door.

“I must say you’re in a deep shit, man. But I bet you already know it.”

They all look at the door to see Juri and Shin standing there. But Fuma looks away from his friends, “Leave me alone!” He says weakly to them.

Juri sighs, and looks at Marius who desperately holding his tears. “Poor thing,” he says while making his way to Marius’ direction. 

He pats Marius’ head before he looks at Fuma again, “Look what you’ve done to your baby! You should apologize to them for behaving like that!” Juri scolds him, but Fuma just ignores him.

“Take all your stuffs, and go home now,” Juri says to the trio. “I will take care of it from here. Be careful on your way back, okay?”.

With Juri’s words, Shori, Sou, and Marius finally leave the room as well. Juri asked Shin to go home too, and walk with them to the station, no need to wait for him taking care of Fuma.

“You chose the worst place to have a couple fight. We can hear you shouting from outside.” Juri shakes his head while gathering Fuma’s belongings and put it inside his bag.

“But rest assured, unless people come closer to your room, I don’t think they can hear what you’re shouting about. The studio staffs weren’t around either when you fight, so I don’t think they will know what you said to each other. But I saw our staffs, your managers too, at the corridor outside, but they are our staffs so that should be okay… On second thought, maybe it's not okay. Just prepare yourself when they call you next time you meet them, okay? And who else was there…..” Juri stops and thinks. 

“Oh! I don’t mean to make thing worse, but almost all Johnny’s WEST are still here too, I think. Including the one I suspect as the source of your anger. And... Kawai and Totsu! They’re still in the room next door when I arrived, and I’m sure they are still in there now, so they must have heard all your conversations.” 

Juri just doing his monologues, informing Fuma of who might heard their conversations while collecting Fuma’s belongings and put them all in Fuma’s bag. When he’s done, he takes Fuma’s jacket and throw it to Fuma who still sitting on the floor.

“Get up now, we are going to my place” Juri says, and Fuma gets up reluctantly.

 

***

 

Juri has successfully sneaking Fuma in to his room without his mother notice it. If they get caught by his mother, things will get worse because Juri doesn't think he can explain it to his mother why Fuma looks like a walking dead without telling her the truth that he just broke up with Kento.

“I will just get the water from the kitchen. Don’t move, okay?” Juri says to Fuma before he leaves.

Fuma takes his jacket off, and throw it to the chair in front of the desk like he always do whenever he visits Juri’s house. He looks around for a while, the room is still messy as usual. Fuma takes some magazines up from the bed and put it on the table so he can sit on the bed now. 

Not long after that the door is open again to reveal Juri with two bottles of mineral water. Juri puts the bottles on the table before he walks to the bed and sit next to Fuma.

“Okay, before I scold you for cheating on Kento, tell me why you do this?” Juri asks him straight to the point.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Fuma replies. Clearly not wanting to talk right now, but Juri is not planning to let him go without explanation.

“Oh, there are a lot to talk if you ask me. I’m somewhat responsible for your break up, so I need to know why you do this, and what actually happened. So do me a favor to make me feel less guilty by telling me all the details of your affair.”

Fuma glares at Juri for being so frontal like that. But he thinks at least Juri has the right to know that it’s not his fault, it’s not because of Juri took him to that club and introduced that girl to him he eventually ruin his relationship with Kento. But he doesn’t know where to start.

Juri senses his friend is caught in tangled inside his brain so he helps him to make it easier by throwing questions so he can get the details he needs to know.

“Okay, for a start, which one you’re cheating with?”

Fair enough Fuma thinks, there are many girls Juri introduced to him that night that also often hang out with them there.

“Sari” Fuma says reluctantly.

“What?! Are fucking serious? Among all of them you cheat with her??”

Juri is shocked by Fuma’s confession. He shakes his head before he says again, “And now you broke up because of her?! Are you out of your mind?? She is a player, you know!” 

“I know! That’s why we sleep with each other!” Fuma defends himself, but that just makes Juri looks at him in shock.

“Shit, Fuma! What have you done?! Is it what I think it is?”

“I don’t know what you think, but that’s definitely not it!” Fuma says back, still in his defense mode.

“At first I just thought that she is fun, you know! But then there’s something about her that intrigued me, and I just went with my instinct to go to her.”

Juri looks like he is thinking to himself, trying to translate what Fuma just said to him, but he doesn’t seem like he understands, so he looks at Fuma again and asks.

“Who’s inviting who first?”

“Her,” Fuma says reluctantly again.

“I knew it!” Juri says, squinting his eyes.

“We are just fooling around! There’s no feeling involved here!” Fuma groans.

He looks away, and trying to see the words flying in front of him to explain how he feels when he is with that girl.

“When I first did it with her, I felt my blood running so high. Adrenaline running wild. I hate to admit it, but it feels so sinful when I’m with her, but it feels good also. It’s exciting, knowing that it’s not okay, but you do it anyway. I guess that’s why I can’t stop. I don’t want to let go of that excitement.”

Silence for a while before Juri asks again, “Can’t you feel it when you’re with Kento? That excitement, I mean.”

Fuma looks up to him, for a moment trying to remember what it feels like when he is with Kento. 

“No, I can’t. It never feels like a sinful thing to do when I’m with him. I feel an excitement, but it’s in a different form… Kento always feels like home, you know, like safety.” Fuma says eventually. He looks like he is drown in his own thought for a moment, but then he continues.

“It always feels right when I’m with him. It’s like he is the sun and I’m the moon. I can’t shine without him, I get lonely and won’t reflect any light when he’s not around... My existence will be meaningless if there’s no him by my side."

Fuma takes a deep breath before he glances at Juri, and stares vacantly to the air in front of him again, "It might sound cheesy, but all I can feel when I’m with him is love. And it’s the truth. He always makes me feel good about myself. He can look at my eyes and stare right into me, reading all the problems I have inside and help me stand on my feet again before I even know that I’m falling... Even when we fight and argue, I still feel safe because I know he loves me and I love him and that’s the only thing that matter to me.”

Fuma fell silence, he seems so deep in his own thought. After a long silence, he can feel tears building up inside his eyes, and then he hears Juri says.

“You shouldn’t have hurt him.”

He feels like someone just drop a bucket full of ice to him, and it’s all that he can do to reply Juri with, “I know.” Before he hugs his knees, and hide his face so the world won’t see him crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if someone can guess where did I get the inspiration for that fictional girl's name lol


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas and happy new year :)

A day after their fight, Kento had a solo work so he had to go to the agency in the morning. And just as he thought, he was called by the management. They scold him for behaving so unprofessional. He apologized in the end, what else he can do, really. And the management made him promise to never mix his personal matter with work ever again.

And the day after the management scolded him, they had meeting with the whole group, and he saw them calling Fuma to the other meeting room. Most likely to recite the same words they said to Kento. When they came back to their room, their manager literally plead for them to stop giving him headache. His exact words were, “For heaven’s sake, please stop making me run back and forth telling the drivers and other staffs where to send you home after work, it gives me headache when you do that.” And their manager can only sigh deeply before he finally start the meeting with the whole group.

After the meeting, Kento thought he can finally run away from the awkwardness, but no, God won’t let it happen. Just a few steps before he exit the building, Juri stopped him, and he had to listen to another apology. 

“If I knew it would turn out to be like this, I would never invite him to go with me.” Juri said.

Well, if Kento knew as well, he would never let Fuma go with him. But it happened anyway, and Kento told Juri that he shouldn’t blame himself for what happened, because the choice is on Fuma, and he chose to see that girl, so Kento chose to free himself from that unhealthy relationship.

This whole break up thing gives him headache actually. And for a moment he imagined how hard it is for someone going through a divorce. Well he is not divorcing Fuma, they are not married after all, but honestly the problems that come after the separation are as troublesome as divorced couples’ problems.

He had to announce to anyone who knows about them that they are breaking up. He had to explain to his parents why he is back to their house again with all his stuffs, and tell them each time they see him out from his room that he is all right, when they all know he is not. He feels pretty much guilty and sad because he can’t meet Fuma’s parents to say sorry and thank you for everything properly, and saying it over the phone just doesn’t feel right, so in the end he gave up the thought of calling them to say sorry and thank you. And it’s really breaking his heart when he had to explain to Fuma’s sister over the phone why he can’t celebrate her birthday next month or her birthdays that will come after because he can’t go to their house anymore. 

Kento also had to bring Bonita to pet hotel and sadly leave her there until he can talk to Marius again (the younger is still in shock after witnessing their fight), trying to make him or his sister to take care of Bonita for a while until he can find new apartment because his parents’ place doesn’t allow any dogs live in the building. And he is just thankful that they rent their apartment under Fuma’s name so at least he can just leave it and not bother with how he should deal with that apartment after their break up.

He is standing behind a few people, waiting the green light to cross the street, when he is still deep in thoughts about the problems he had to go through, and suddenly his phone buzzes and takes him out to reality.

“What’s up with that face?” a familiar voice can be heard from the other side of the phone.

Kento is confused at first, because why is Shige suddenly call him and ask what’s wrong with his face. “What do you mean?” he asks eventually.

“Turn to your left.” Shige simply says.

With the phone still on his ear, Kento turns to his left and trying to see what it is. He doesn’t find anything at first, but at the cross of the street, he sees someone waving his hand to him behind the big window from inside a small cafe. Kento smiles unconsciously, and when the green light for crossing the road is on, he runs a little to meet his friend.

“How can you recognize me? I’m pretty much sure no one can see me when I wear the cap so low like that.” Kento asks as he sits in front of Shige inside the cafe.

“Well, I can recognize you anywhere. Whether you wearing a mask, glasses, or a cap so low like that.” Shige smiles as he points to Kento’s cap.

Kento smiles too, seeing the smile on Shige’s face. People would think that it should be awkward between them, and they would think Shige is actually flirting with Kento right now. But it’s not. It feels natural for both of them to say this kind of things to each other sometimes.

“Where were you heading by the way?” Shige asks.

“Home. I have to find a new apartment soon.” Kento says sadly. “I can’t let Bonita stays in hotel for so long. I need to bring my baby home.”

Shige already knows about Kento’s parents’ apartment that doesn’t allow dogs in it, but it’s the first time he heard about Bonita in pet hotel. They haven’t met since that time he took his key from Kento after all. But Shige texted Kento the morning after, asking if he is all right or not.

“I wish I can take her in, but my apartment doesn’t allow dogs either.” Shige says regrettably.

Kento shakes his head, “No, it’s okay. I know you can’t let dogs in in your apartment. I’m planning to persuade Marius to take her for a while actually, but things are quite messy at the moment in my group, so I just can’t find time to talk to him about it.”

“Well, I hope you can talk to him soon. Or better, hopefully you will find new apartment sooner so Bonita can live with you again.” Shige gives Kento a small smile that the latter returns as he mumbles ‘Thank you.’

“What about you? What are you doing here?” Kento finally asks.

“Buying you a cupcake as an apology,” Shige takes a mint colored box that rest on the table beside him and put it in front of Kento, and he says again, “also finding solace in my little hideout.”

“Your little hideout?” Kento raises one of his eyebrows slightly.

“Yup, this is the cafe I told you before. The one you said you sure you know every cafes near the agency building, and you sure there’s no such a place like that around here.” 

Shige recites the words Kento said to him when he told him he found a small cafe that sells a really good cupcake.

Kento looks around, checking the inside interior from the cafe. “Well, one would never find this place because it doesn’t look like a cafe from the outside actually, more like an antique shop. But I must say the inside is really cozy.”

“So, this is the legendary cupcake you told me before?” Kento says as he finally eyes the box Shige put in front of him.

“Yup, try it. Do you want coffee, too? I’ll order it for you.” Shige offers.

For a moment, a very unwanted flashback popping inside his head. He remembers the way Fuma always scold him when he drinks too much coffee. 

“I’ll just take the tea, please.” Kento says in the end, and he wonders to himself why he takes tea and not coffee, it’s not like Fuma can stop him to drink coffee anymore now.

“So, what are you apologizing for?” Kento asks Shige when he sits back to his chair again.

Shige smiles a little and he reluctantly says, “I heard most of your conversation with Fuma the other day.”

“Oh,” Kento leans back slowly to his chair, he thoughts they were the only one left at that time except for their staffs, and also Juri and Shin that he bumped when he ran from their room. Now he feels bad knowing that maybe too many people heard them shouting at each other that night.

“I’m sorry you fight with him because of me.” Shige apologizes, but Kento quickly shakes his head.

“No, it was his fault for being unreasonable like that.” Kento looks down to his hands, feeling awkward now that they have to talk about it.

“If it can make you feel better, my group mates could hear you fighting, but they didn’t hear clearly what you’re fighting about. I was still halfway to my room when I heard you shouting, so I came back to see what happen.”

All Kento can do is let another “Oh.”

“And we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. Just take my apology, eat the cake, and let’s talk about something else.” Shige smile apologetically, clearly reading that Kento doesn’t want to talk about it. 

Kento shots him a small weak smile as thank you. And Shige returns it with a big smile saying he shouldn’t think too much about it.

“So, how’s your concert preparation?” Shige changes the topic.

“Good, it’s good.” Kento’s genuine smile is back in an instant, thinking about his upcoming solo concert.

“It’s next month, right?” Shige asks.

“Yes, it’s less than 3 weeks until the concert, and after that I will have filming, too. It will get really busy from now on, but it’s good… It’s good,” Kento says, more to himself than to Shige.

Usually, busying himself with work always helps him get over his problems. But just this time, he is not sure if works can help him distracting himself enough. He is still half dreaming, and half awake. He is sometimes not sure, whether he’s standing or falling. He is still hoping that this is not reality, but it happened, he broke up with Fuma, and it should feel liberating. But the truth is it’s not, he feels like he has some unfinished business, and it makes him keep thinking about Fuma more than he should.

Kento smiles to Shige, assuring him that he’s okay because Shige looks a bit worried when he sees Kento seems to get caught up in his own thoughts for a moment. But when he takes his cup, and sips the tea he ordered, the corner of his eyes catch an image of Fuma smiling on the chair beside him.

It will take some times until he can wake up, he guesses.

 

***

 

_“Good morning”_

When Fuma opens his eyes, he is welcomed by a dazzling smile from Kento. It warms his heart, and makes him smile unconsciously. He reaches out his hand to touch Kento, but the latter disappear into the thin air.

Fuma jerks and sits up, looking so confuse. His eyes are searching for Kento in the room, his brain is trying so hard to process what just happened. 

“Fuck!” he mutters to himself when he realized that once again, he wakes up with delusion.

Ever since they broke up, Kento has been the one Fuma think about when he wakes up. And sometimes it goes as bad as see him smiling and saying good morning to him like what just happened this morning.

Fuma groans and messes his hair. He closes his eyes once more and takes a deep breath before he finally get up from the bed and head to the bathroom.

 

“Oh, you finally here! Okay, now let’s begin with Hokuto’s part,” their choreographer announces to the room after he sees Hokuto drops his bag.

Fuma sees Hokuto walks to the choreographer and talks about his solo part for Fuma’s upcoming concert that will start in 2 weeks. He takes a deep sigh before finally sinks to the floor, and lean on the wall.

He has rehearsal for his concert today, and he realizes something for the first time after looking at his setlist, he may be accidentally created a break up playlist for himself even before he knew that he is really breaking up with Kento.

The theme for his concert this year is finding his true self. He wants to tell stories about his life through his concert, but only God knows that some of the songs he chose just because he likes it are actually gonna be his break up playlist after this. And thanks to that, now the concert is really gonna be a musical story of his messed up life.

“Ah, Hokuto said this morning, maybe he can’t go with us to the beach tomorrow,” Juri, kind of out of nowhere, appears on Fuma’s vision.

From the way Fuma looks a bit startled, Juri can tell his friend must be spacing out again just now. He sighs deeply, and looks at his friend with pity, “I want to tell you that you really need to move on, and stop thinking about him, but I guess it’s impossible with how this concert is basically telling a story about your life, and almost half of your life is filled with him.”

“It would be really nice of you if you stop reminding me that,” Fuma kind of glare at Juri as he said that.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean any harm,” Juri holds his hands up, giving up.

“I just want you to enjoy the trip and the concert, you know. Let’s just do it like usual. It’s gonna be just like how we always hang out together.” Juri puts his hands down, and takes one of his hands to pat Fuma’s shoulder. But even before Fuma can say something else, they are called by the choreographer again.

“Okay, now let’s move on to the new song’s part!” the choreographer announces once more to the room.

Everyone gets ready at their places as the choreographer fixing some details that seems off for him.

“I’ll fill the part for the female dancer since she can't come today. Okay, now let’s begin!” the choreographer says again.

The moment the music starts, Fuma starts to lip sync, and his friends starts to dance behind him. Fuma only needs to focus on his vocal for this song since he’s gonna sing it live on stage, so he doesn’t do much but checking his gestures and expressions when he sings it. But soon after, he feels like he gets absorb into his own song.

The song he wrote this time is undoubtedly about Kento, from the lyrics to the melody, Fuma wrote them while thinking about Kento. And all the people who know them can tell that very well.

It was earlier this year, if Fuma remember it correctly, when he told Kento that he’s gonna get a love song ready for Kento as a gift on his next solo concert. Actually he thought about writing this song after Kento wrote him love song first. But it took him quite some time to make the thought into a reality. Because he honestly didn’t know what he wanted to tell Kento at first. But after a long time thinking about what he wanted to convey, he decided to go with honesty and the truth. And that’s why his new song contains too many raw emotions and feels so intense to him.

While he is trapped in his own thoughts, the song is reaching its end. When it’s really finished, the choreographer says that it was good rehearsal. But he wants to fix some part on Moritsugu and the female dancer’s duet, so Fuma turns around to move back a little. What he didn’t expect though, is Kento standing by the doorframe and looking at him with a lot of emotions showing from his eyes.

Fuma didn’t let Kento listen to the whole song before when he’s done recording the song. He only let Kento listen to the instrumental version because he said he wanted to give it as present for him before his concert start. He planned to give it to him last month before they start the rehearsal, but they got into serious mess since April with his secret affair with that model, and somehow Fuma just missed his chances to give it to Kento.

But this is also obviously not how he wanted Kento to listen to the song. Because Fuma sure he can see anger among all those feelings Kento’s eyes showing right now. But that’s fair. He deserves the anger, and also the hate.

“Kento? You’re here! Wait I’m gonna get the book in my bag” Hokuto suddenly says, breaking the tension Fuma and Kento built by staring at each other like that.

Hokuto runs a little to where Kento stands after he got the book from his bag.

“Sorry, I borrowed your book for months, and making you have to come here and get it” Hokuto says apologetically.

“No problem. I really need it soon, and I was around here anyway. So, did it help you?” Kento says, weirdly nervous, and Fuma knows it’s not because he is talking to Hokuto, but because he is in the same room with him.

“Oh, it was really a great help! I might borrow it again when I write my final paper. Is that okay?” Hokuto asks.

“Yeah, cool. Just tell me when you need it again.” Kento starts playing with the edge of the book’s cover nervously as he speaks again, “I gotta go now. Sorry for intruding your rehearsal”.

“Oh, not a big deal. Sorry again for making you come here, and good luck for your concert next week!” Hokuto smiles.

Kento returns the smile as he says, “It’s okay, really. And thank you. Good luck for you too.”

He is looking at the floor and already takes a step back when he adds, “Good luck.” And then he leaves.

Fuma is sure that the last words Kento said are actually directed at him, but he also knows that this is Kento’s nature, being too kind and caring to other people. So he shouldn’t get his hope high just by this one simple sentence telling him he should do his best for this concert. They are not gonna magically get together again, because he knows he fucked this up, and the damage is quite severe for the other party, too. At this point he is positive he can't get Kento to forgive him again. It's just so impossible. So he decides he should really just give up and take a step away from Kento’s life, like how Kento take a step back away from his life.

But still, he feels his fingers tingling with the memory of holding him tight.  


_何度も抱きしめては 心に 心に あなただけと願うの_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last sentence is from Fuma's song lyrics. And it means "I hug you many times, in my heart, in my heart I wish for you only".


	6. Chapter 6

Kento still can’t really processing what happened. He just vaguely remember the whole thing, even though it was just an hour ago when he realized that he got a surprise visit from someone he never expected would turn up at his concert. Because he normally just wouldn’t. And there are too many other personal reasons that make him sure that this person would never come to his concert. But he came. Kento remembers how his heart felt like it stopped for a moment when he saw him beside their senior and among the audiences.

Now, the man in question is sitting in front of him. Visibly nervous, and weirdly enough Kento can share the emotion since he also feels nervous. Though maybe the reason is different. Or maybe not really. Well, Kento can’t tell, but he is surely very nervous right now. But above all, he is more curious about the reason why he is here.

“Yamashita-kun said he has some other business so he left after the concert end.”

Kento has to blink a few times to break himself from the train of questions running around in his brain when he heard Fuma speaking.

“Oh, that’s okay,” that’s the best Kento can come up to response to Fuma’s statement, but somehow he can’t even say that nicely. He sounds hoarse. His throat is weirdly dry.

“But he asked me to tell you that he enjoyed the show, and he said you did well today,” Fuma says again nervously.

“Thanks,” Kento clears his throat before he says back. 

Actually he is not really sure he is thanking who right now; Fuma for passing the message, or his senior for praising his effort.

They both look so awkward right now, and they can’t even say anything else after the first attempt to open up a conversation.

Kento glances at Fuma. The younger one looks like he doesn’t want to be here with the way he keeps glancing at the door, probably he i thinking about the best way to escape this awkwardness now.  
Strange, Kento thinks. It should have make him angry to see Fuma coming here out of nowhere and opening up a conversation casually like they didn’t just screaming out of their lungs to each other a month ago. But he really feels nothing. Well, he is hurt and sad by the way Fuma seems like he doesn’t want to be near Kento, but that’s all. He doesn’t feel the anger he used to have a few weeks ago after their massive fight that unfortunately witnessed by too many people in their agency.

When a memory of Kawai approaching him and giving him a pity look and pat on his shoulder flashing in his mind, Kento suddenly heard Fuma clearing his throat before he says.

“I like it, too. You really captured you fans’ hearts. No wonder they love you so much,”

Kento looks like a deer caught in the headlights. He didn’t expect Fuma to say that he likes his concert at all. He is too surprised until he can’t even say anything back to him.

“Oh, good choice of songs by the way, I like how you keep changing from cute to cool alternately. It’s always refreshing to do that on concert after all, and it also can raise the audiences’ tension.” Fuma still looks so nervous, and he says the words without even look up to see Kento.

It seriously feels weird to the point that it creeps him out. Because hello, this is awkward, the new kind of awkward that never happened between them in their whole damn lives before. But Kento decides to set it aside a little to at least thank him, “Thank you. I didn’t think I would hear that from you”.

Fuma opens his mouth immediately to say something back, but he closes it again. Like he just got a slap on his head, he blinks a few times. Kento sure if they got cold water on the table between them, Fuma would definitely literally pour it down to himself, use it to clear his head. And now Kento blinks as well because he can’t and he shouldn’t, after all these weeks, still remember and understand how Fuma would do things.

“Sorry, I gotta go. This is a mistake,” Fuma suddenly stands up and walks to the door.

Kento turns around looking at Fuma, finding himself dumbfounded at how Fuma behave just now. Suddenly turning up, suddenly praising him, and now suddenly saying this is a mistake and taking his leave. But Fuma stops when he hold the doorknob. 

“Fuck,” Kento can hear Fuma cursing in whisper. 

Suddenly Fuma turns again. He looks at Kento in the eye and he says, “I’m not doing it right.”

He walks back to sit on where he sat a while ago. He takes a deep breath. And if he acts weird and nervous since he came to the room, now he looks frightened. Honestly Kento can’t figure out what happen inside his ex’s head, but he starts to feel afraid too, and also feels stupid for feeling frightened even though he knows he shouldn’t.

“I came here to apologize,” Fuma looks at Kento’s eyes and starts saying his reason to come here in the first place.

But Kento is quick to hold his hand up to stop Fuma continue saying the same old thing again, “I told you I don’t want your apology anymore.”

“I know,” there’s an unbearable sadness inside Fuma’s eyes when he says it.

And he continues, “I know, but I really need to apologize to you. I’ve been thinking a lot these past few days, and I want you to hear what I need to say to you.”

“What if I don’t want to hear it? I told you, I’m tired with you, with all of the things happened between us. Can’t you just let it go, Kikuchi?” Kento just can’t believe he is having this conversation with Fuma. He promised himself he won’t listen to any bullshits Fuma says to him, because getting back together is not an answer if he wants to cherish the love he has for Fuma, if he doesn’t want to turn his love into hate.

“No, you don’t understand. You have to listen to me. Or else I can’t move on. Isn’t that what you want? Me moving on and put a clean end to this whole mess?” Fuma asks him sincerely. 

Kento stays silence, he is not sure if listening to Fuma now can help anything. 

“I’m not hoping you to forgive me, and magically make things right where it should be like nothing happened here. I know you can’t forgive me, and there’s nothing I can do to atone my sins to you, but you really need to listen. I promised you it’s gonna be the last time.” Fuma is dying to reach Kento’s hands to make him believe in his words, but he can’t do that, so he hold his own hands in tight grip instead.

A few seconds passed before Kento finally takes a deep breath, and let out in a whisper, “Okay.”

Instead of feeling relieve that Kento finally wants to listen to him, Fuma feels his shoulders become more tense because this is the last chance he would ever get from Kento. He can’t mess it up.

Fuma takes a second to hold himself together, before he finally says, “I know you say it clearly you don’t want to hear my apology anymore, but I really am sorry. For everything. I’m sorry that I hurt you. Many times.”

The look in Fuma’s face is so dark and full of sadness. He gulps once before he says again, “I know I’m the biggest jerk in the universe to hurt you like that. That’s cruel, I know. And like I said, there’s nothing I can do to atone my sins. I just have to learn how to live with it from now on… And also, sorry for accusing you with Shige. I was so blinded in anger after you broke up with me and I heard you had the key to--”

“That’s not what happened. I swear to God nothing happened between us,” Kento quickly cuts Fuma’s monologue to correct the misleading fact he had.

“I know,” Fuma assures him, “That’s why I’m apologizing for that too.”

“You know, what you said that night, and our fight in the dressing room, they really made me think about how cruel I was as a person. But, I’m making effort to change now, I’m gonna try to find myself, find what I want in life. And it’s all thanks to you that I can think about making an effort to change myself.”

“So, what I really wanna say is that I’m ending this tiring whatever phase I’ve been desperately holding all this time. And for that I need to see you for the last time to make a good start again. Like I said, I’m not here to ask for your forgiveness because I know you can’t. But I want you to know that I’m changing myself, and I wonder if that will be enough as a reason for us to start anew our friendship.”

Kento looks up hearing Fuma’s words, and he finds Fuma’s eyes already on his. There are shards of so many feelings inside those dark brown eyes he secretly loves so much. Before he can say anything back though, Fuma already speaks again.

“I know it must be hard to go back to how we used to be before, but we’ve been friends since forever, and I want us to at least learn how to be friend again.”

When Kento still not answering, Fuma nervously asks, “Is that too much to ask? We really can’t be friends anymore?”

Kento shakes his head, “No, it’s not that I don’t wanna be your friend anymore… I just-- This is too sudden.” He looks at Fuma and continues, “There are a lot of things that make me think that maybe it’s not possible. I want to be your friend, but I don’t know how to be your friend anymore. I don’t know where to start.”

“That’s what I said, we can learn again, learn from the beginning how to be friends. We can try to be nice to each other for a start, or just be polite. We can try our best to work together again like before.” 

Fuma shifts on his seat, moves closer to the table, “I know it must be hard for you, but it’s hard for me, too. I regret everything that I did. I lost you as the result of my mistakes. I lose you probably for forever. I know it would be a long journey, for us to get back where we used to be as friend. I hurt you after all. And to be completely honest, even I think it’s impossible for you to be my friend again when we can’t even forget about that, but as long as you are willing to try, I believe we can get there someday.” Fuma tries to convince him.

Kento looks confuse now. He doesn’t know what’s right and what’s best for him, for them But then he remembers everyone in their lives. Their family, their friends, their band, and he starts to think that maybe this is the right thing. And when he imagines how tiring it would be living while distancing himself from Fuma, his symmetry partner, he finally look back at Fuma and he says.

“I’ll give it a try, maybe not for you and me. But I wanna try for our family and friends. We broke up, and I don’t wanna get back to you again. But I don’t want other people to be the victim of our mistakes. And above all, I don’t want this band to fall apart because of us. It’s just not worth the price.”

Fuma feels like Kento just stabbed him right in the heart with his words, but at least he wants to try. 

And all he can say to that is another “Thank you.”

 

***

 

“Oh, come on! We promised I’ll buy the dinner if you finish the book!” Kento throws a popcorn to Shige.

“But it’s boring! You can’t make me finish that damn boring book. Not even when you willing to take me on that nice dinner date at high-class Italian restaurant!” Shige throws back a popcorn at Kento in revenge, but Kento dodges at the right time so the poor thing just flies above his head.

“Then the only option you have left is to watch the movie until the end!” Kento says.

“But, if the book is already boring, then the movie must be equally boring, too!” Shige protests.

“I assume you’re very aware that if you violate the rules, then you have to take me instead to that date twice.” Kento reminds him.

They are playing this games where each of them will ask the other one to do something they don’t usually or never do and as a reward they will take the other to a nice fancy date or just give them things they really want as a present. Honestly Shige can’t remember how this game even started. He just remembers that almost 6 months ago, all he wanted is for Kento to cheer up again, so he’s been asking Kento to join him in many activities, like watching gruesome movies, or hit the gym together. And after that, Shige will treat Kento with something. Then the next thing he knows, Kento asking him to do many things with him, and reward him the same way Shige did. And now it became their own little game.

This week’s challenge is from Kento. He asked Shige to read a book called ‘A Walk to Remember’. Shige is fine with romance stories, even though if he’s honest with himself he still prefer romcom more than that, but this one is different, it feels threatening to him. And Shige is not proud with the reason.

“Are you trying to rob me?!” Shige tries to look shocked, but his laugh in the end blows it away.

Kento rolls his eyes before he sighs and says, “If you can’t handle the punishment, then be a good boy and watch the movie with me! I even brought you popcorn because I knew you won’t read it!”

“You should just tell me if watching the movie is all you want! Why make me read it in the first place?” Shige complains again.

Kento looks like Shige just asked him why human can stand on the ground and not flying like when they’re in the moon.

“Obviously because I need you to have the same experience everyone else’s had. Isn’t that how it should work, read first then watch?” Kento says.

“Okay, not everyone is like you. I’m obviously not the type you just mentioned,” Shige points out.

Kento looks at Shige’s eyes with his pointing looks. They have a staring contest for half a minute before Kento finally blinks and gives up.

“Fine then, it doesn’t have to be like that. Can we just play the movie now?” Kento pouts.

Shige laughs in his victory. He puts his popcorn down, and walk to the direction of the TV. But as he puts the disc on the player, he can feel that it’s really getting on his nerves now, the thing that bother him so much that makes him reluctant to read the book in the first place.

“Why do you like this book and movie so much anyway?” Shige asks casually without turning around to look at Kento.

Kento seems like he wasn’t paying attention in Shige before, but he still answers the question. With a question.

“Why do you think?”

Shige shrugs at first. He turns around and throw the remote to Kento as he walks back to where he sits before.

“I don’t know? Maybe because it’s Nicholas Sparks?” he says, but he quickly add more with small laugh. “And because you’re hopeless romantic.”

Kento hit his shoulder immediately, but he joins Shige to laugh as well. “Well, that’s partly true. But that’s not the main reason.”

“You mean Nicholas Sparks is partly the reason because the main reason is you’re hopeless romantic?” Shige teases Kento again.

“Shut up before I hit you with this remote,” Kento threaten him, but he laughs as well so Shige knows he doesn’t mean it.

“Enlighten me then, why do you like it so much?” Shige asks again.

“Well, I like some parts of it.” Kento finally says the reason.

Shige thinks, maybe his imagination is indeed real. Kento likes the movie because it reminds him with something, or more precisely, with _someone_.

He still asks nonetheless, “Some parts? Can you tell me now so I can at least have something to anticipate about?” 

Kento gives him his wide and big childish but pretty smile, and he replies, “It has so many brilliant and lovely dialogues for a start.”

“Dialogues?”

“Yes, dialogues. I know it must be cheesy for some people, but I love how the book, or the movie, is giving the reader lesson about love without making it like they are preaching about it.” 

Shige looks like he doesn’t understand, so he asks Kento, “I don’t get it. Give me an example.”

Kento thinks for awhile, “Hm… I like this one the most, but it’s quite long.”

He takes a breath once before he recites the dialogue he loves so much, _“Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.”_

After he’s done, Kento seems hypnotized by the words coming out from his own mouth. Shige looks at how Kento stays in his silence for a few seconds too long than appreciated. He wonders does it really have things to do with Fuma? If it does, was the book the love guru for Kento when he was in relationship with Fuma? 

Shige can’t shakes it off from his mind, so he clears his throat, “Are you still here?”

Kento finally backs to reality, and he looks like a deer caught in the light under Shige’s stare. But before he can apologizes for spacing out like that, Shige already asks again, 

“Does the quote have some memories attached about someone?”

Kento is not ready with the question, “Why do you think like that?”

“Because you’re spacing out again. And here I thought we passed the spacing out phase 3 months ago. Does it remind you of Fuma?”

“No,” Kento answer quickly, and Shige wants to laugh because he can see it immediately that it was a lie.

“You think I’m lying, right?” and as much as Shige prided himself on being the master of Kento Readings, Kento also mastered the Shige Readings long time ago.

“Well, it’s gonna be a lie if I say it didn’t remind me of him. But, what I remember is more about the lesson I learned in the past few years, not exactly him. The quote from the movie is still true, and the more I think about it after that break up, the more I feel like the quote is right.”

Shige keeps his silence, because he honestly doesn’t understand, so Kento continues, “In my defense, I already love the movie before I even met him. So this movie is totally harmless. The childhood memories I have in this movie is stronger. And you have no reasons to say you don’t wanna watch it.”

Kento passes the popcorn to Shige, and he clicks the play button. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Shige starts digging for the popcorn too. But then suddenly he hears Shige asking.

“Hey, you said ‘movie’. So is that mean you like the movie first then the book?” 

Kento looks confused. He is not following Shige at all, “Huh? What do you mean?”

Like he just find a revelation, Shige says to Kento, “You watched the movie first before you read the book!”

The look in Kento’s face is already telling everything Shige needs to know.

“And here you are trying to preach me about ‘read first then watch’!”

“Oh shut up! The movie is starting!” Kento scolds him, but he is blushing.

With his big victory smile, Shige says again, “You have to take me to that restaurant twice after this!”

But Kento shakes his head, “Nope. Not gonna happen. You’re the only one violating the rule here. So the only thing you will get from me after this is just 3 cupcakes from your favorite hideout.”

Shige pouts, and call Kento mean, but the latter just laugh and hush him to be quiet because the movie has started. And Shige thinks to himself, if he can’t make Kento take him to that fancy restaurant, the least he can get is to watch the movie while using Kento’s lap as a pillow. And when Kento looks at Shige taking the popcorn from his hands so he can rest his head on his lap, he can only laugh at how cute Shige can be.

 

***

 

Shige is standing in front of Kento’s door with a big backpack on his back, and a big paper bag on his hand. He swears he was fine when he called Kento earlier to open the apartment gate, but as soon as the elevator he was riding opened and revealed the floor where Kento lives, he starts to feel seriously nervous.

He pushes the bell on the left side of Kento’s door.

“Hey! Come in, we were waiting for you!” 

Shige smiles, hoping dearly that the nervousness won’t show on his face.

“Thanks! Look, I brought many gifts for you!” Shige turns around to show Kento his backpack.

Kento looks shocked at first, but then he laughs at Shige, “You really shouldn’t have!”

“What do you mean I shouldn’t have? I am officially the first guest Nakajima Kento ever let inside his apartment, of course I should show you my gratitude!” Shige says while he enters Kento’s apartment.

“You are always exaggerating everything,” Kento simply says before he turns around and walks inside. Shige closes the door and follows him.

A cute fluffy brown toy poodle excitedly jumps and barks inside a black fences Kento set up in one corner of his living room.

“Wow, look how much you grow! I think the last time I saw you, you’re smaller than this!” Shige puts his backpack on the couch, and his paper bag on table carefully before he walks closer to Bonita.

“Did she, really? I feel like she doesn’t change that much,” Kento says while continue setting up the little table between his kitchenette and living room. 

“You are living with her, of course you can’t see the difference. I swear she is bigger than the first time I met her,” Shige says while patting Bonita’s head. He met Bonita once when he called Kento randomly, asking whether he’s busy or not, and Kento said he’s taking his dog to vet later that day, but he offered Shige to meet up and walked Bonita together with him before they go to the vet. He never met Bonita again since that, and a year almost passed since then. 

After a while, Shige starts wondering what Kento prepares to welcome him to his house. He leaves Bonita alone playing with a ball, and moves to the table.

“This is all I can make, sorry if it tastes bad,” Kento already apologizes when he sees Shige approaching the table. 

Shige rolls his eyes, “It’s just a carbonara and salad. I doubt it will taste bad. Everyone can make it after all.”

And suddenly Shige remembers the gifts he brought for Kento, “Let me give you my gifts first before we eat.”

Kento looks a bit concern, but as soon as he sees what Shige has inside his backpack, he starts to feel relieved.

“I was thinking that a traditional gift like sake would make a good housewarming gift, but then I remember that you really love champagne, so I bought this instead.” Shige laughs while hands Kento the champagne from inside his bag. “And also, this. Your graduation gift.”

Kento puts the champagne he received from Shige, and take a box wrapped in red paper. “What’s this?”

“Just open it.”

Inside the paper wrap is a photo frame with lot of Osaka’s icons, like the glico man and the giant crab on the side of the frame. Kento wonders where did Shige buy this funny frame.

“Where did you get this?” 

Shige just shakes his head, “Can’t tell. That’s a secret I will take with me until I die.”

Kento just rolls his eyes at Shige’s words. “Thanks for the gifts, though you really don’t have to.”

“Hey! I told you, it’s an honor to be invited as the first guest in your new home. Even though it’s not really a new home by now.” Shige says.

“Well, it’s still only half a year. For me it’s still really new.” Kento says while searching for a bottle opener in one of his drawer. 

“By the way, do you have a vase?” Shige suddenly asks.

Kento looks up to look at Shige. His face shows he doesn’t understand. “A vase? I have one. Why?”

“Because I still have another gift.”

Shige walks back to where he put his paper bag earlier. Inside the bag is a box of peach roses. “Here, happy birthday.”

Kento receives the box of flowers from Shige. He is speechless because his birthday is actually next week, and he never expect Shige to give him flower as birthday present.

“They are real, by the way. So you need to put them in the vase.” Shige laughs, after he sees how Kento is so speechless and all he can do is just looking at the beautiful flowers in the box.

While Kento moves the flower to the vase, Shige sits down on the dining chair, and start talking, “I did my research before I bought you flower, in case you wonder. Peach rose means modesty, sincerity, and gratitude, right?”

Kento walks back to the living room with a vase of peach roses Shige bought him. “Wow, you really did your research. I’m impressed!”

“Good. That’s what I want, to impress you,” Shige laughs.

Kento laughs too. He puts the vase on the table beside the TV, and he walks back to sit in front of Shige at the dining table.

“Now you really make me feel bad! All I got for your birthday is just a bowl of ramen!” Kento looks guilty now, but Shige just laugh it off.

“I asked you to buy me that! Don’t feel bad about it now.” Shige says.

“Besides,” Shige continues before Kento can say anything else, “You invited me here, for me it means more than everything. But I still need to ask though. Do you really never invite anyone here?”

Kento shakes his head, “Never. Well, besides my parents and manager of course. But I never invited them. My parents have the key so they can come anytime they want, and my manager was here a few times because of work, so you’re the first official guest I ever invited here.”

Before Shige can comment something about that, Kento suddenly rises from his chair and says, “Shoot. I forgot the champagne because of that flower.” And that makes Shige laughs.

They have dinner together with the foods Kento prepared for them and the champagne Shige brought as a gift. The night feels long and neverending with how the conversation they have seems like flowing with no fixed direction, but still feels nice because whatever they talk about, they will have a lot to laugh about.

After finished with their dinner, Shige helps Kento to clean up even though Kento clearly says that he shouldn’t because he is a guest. But after a quick argument, Shige wins eventually and get to help Kento a bit.

When they’re done, they both sit in front of the TV. It’s already past 10.30 p.m now, and Kento starts to feel tired after spending the day cleaning up and cooking. And Shige is equally tired just like Kento, because he honestly went to Kento’s place after work. 

They both appreciate the silence between them as they watch a variety show on the TV. Bonita is asleep now, helping them to create a very calm atmosphere around them. And when Shige rests his head on Kento’s shoulder, Kento can only smile by how natural it feels to him right now. But then Shige breaks the silence.

“Did you count how many flowers I gave you?” Shige asks. His eyes are still fixed on the TV, and his head still rest on Kento’s shoulder.

“...I didn’t. Why?” Kento answers after thinking for a second.

_“Giving someone 12 roses is a simple way to ask that person to be yours.”_

Shige recites the words he read on internet, and he feels Kento’s shoulder start to tensed now. 

“Don’t worry. I made sure the flower I gave you is not red, right?” Shige says to Kento.

But Shige’s next words are betraying the words he just said to Kento. “But, if I can be sincere like the flower I gave you, I want exactly what a 12 roses mean in the flower language you love so much.”

Now Shige is sitting straight again. He turns the TV off to look at Kento’s eyes. “Can we talk about us now?”

The look on Kento’s face is enough to tell Shige that Kento is still not sure with that, so he gives him his reason.

“Listen, it’s been half a year since you broke up with him. And I’ve been there silently witnessing all your ups and downs even though you tried so hard to conceal everything from me.”

Kento still looks not sure, but Shige is not finished yet after all, so he continues, “You’re doing great, Kento. And I said that not because I want you to be mine immediately, but because I can see that you finally found peace inside yourself again. That’s why I think it’s time for you to take another step to completely move on.”

Another second passed before finally Kento says, “You know I only see you as a friend.”

“I know. But I think it’s time to change that. Because as much as I love being your friend, I still want us to be more than that.” Shige says.

Kento looks troubled now, like he is fighting something inside himself. He bites his lower lip. Thinking about what he should do now. He likes Shige, he always knows that, but it’s not the way Shige wants him. Besides, even if he likes him that way, Kento doesn’t think he is ready for another relationship.

“Listen,” Kento takes a deep breath before he says.

“I like you, but it’s not in the way you want me to. And honestly I don’t know if I can like you like that.” Kento looks at Shige’s eyes. The older boy is looking back at him, listening.

“And I don’t know if I really have found peace like you said I did. All I know is I’m comfortable with the way things are now.”

“Then what stops you from taking a step further to go to me?” Shige asks.

Kento hesitates, he takes a few seconds pause before he says while looking at Shige’s eyes. “I like having you around, and honestly if I can, I will give you everything you want because I feel like I can never thank you enough for loving someone like me. But the problem is I don’t think I’m ready for another relationship, Shige. I don’t wanna take you for granted, I’m afraid if I take another step further, I will ruin what we have now.”

There’s an unreadable feeling that can be seen from Shige’s eyes. And Kento hopes what he said doesn’t make Shige take a step away from him instead. But then he sees Shige closing his eyes for two seconds.

“I understand. But I want you to understand too, that you will never take me for granted. You won’t lose anything if you’re with me.” 

There’s an intense look on Shige’s face, and for a moment Kento can feel his heart skip a beat. And after another second that feels like hours, Shige leans closer to Kento, and slowly he feels Shige’s lips on his.

Maybe, Kento thinks, he shouldn’t let himself be trapped inside his fear anymore. Maybe, it’s really the time for him to finally move on from the invisible chain that hold him down all this time. And maybe, he thinks, this time he really has found the one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than usual lol  
> And get ready for the last chapter after this!  
> Hopefully I can finish it soon, but I can't promise it will be ready next week, so 2 weeks is all I can promise :"


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I was naive(?), I thought I really can finish it before February start, but turn out it's impossible. Something urgent and important came up so I have to prioritize my real life first.  
> I was 3 scenes away from finish actually when I posted the 6th chapter, and I thought I would just post the rest as the last chapter. But real life matter happened and when I finally can breathe a little I realized that it's been a month since the last chapter I uploaded.  
> Luckily, 'the rest' has around 10,000 words, and since I'm still kinda busy with real life, I decided to divide it into 2 chapters. So this is not the last one. And I don't know when will I update the last chapter since I'm still writing those last 3 scenes.

Kento just unlocked his phone when he hears a soft knock on the door.

“Hey, is Fuma here?” Hokuto says.

“No, he is still on the way maybe.” Kento replies. Fuma’s friends coming to their greenroom looking for him is nothing new for Kento.

Hokuto’s eyebrows are furrowed, and it intrigues Kento even though he says to himself that he shouldn’t, “Is there something wrong? Do you want me to pass a message to him or something?”

“Nah, it’s just, he is not replying my chats for 2 days straight, so I kinda worried he didn’t get the message I sent him.” Hokuto says lazily.

“Oh, I think it was because he is busy? Our schedule are kinda packed right now with the tour and everything,” Kento trying to explain even though, once again, he says to himself this is not necessary.

Hokuto just nods before he says, “No wonder he is ignoring me then. Um, can you tell him that I’m looking for him? It’s okay if you can’t, though.”

Kento quickly shakes his head, “It’s okay, you don’t have to be mindful. We’re friends now, so it’s totally okay.”

“Okay, then. Thank you! And sorry for intruding,” Hokuto smiles. And Kento smiles back to him.

Hokuto, who was already turning around to leave, turn again and looks a bit hesitate when he says, “Hey, can I ask you a question?”

Kento looks worried, because he is afraid Hokuto is going to ask about them like everyone else did in the past few months, but still he says, “Sure. What do you wanna ask?”

“Is there… something going on between you and Shige? Are you two dating?”

That’s not the question he expects would come from Hokuto’s mouth, and Hokuto seems to get it that Kento is surprised by the question, so he continues, “I’m not trying to pry on your private life or something, but as your friend, I just wanna know whether you’re happy or not. Sorry if I’m crossing any line here.”

After listening to his reason, Kento quickly shakes his head again, “No, it’s okay. I was just surprised that you would ask such question, because it doesn’t seem like you at all. And to answer your question, no, we are not dating. Well, it’s still kinda complicated, I don’t know what we are myself.”

Hokuto just nods again, “I just want you to know that it’s not a problem even if you are an item now. It’s just that you two seems closer than before, that’s why I thought that you are with him now.”

“No, we are not there yet. I guess we are still on a test run.” Kento shrugs and says. And Hokuto just hums, nodding.

With that words, the conversation they had is over. Hokuto said goodbye and left to his own greenroom. When Kento thinks he is finally alone again, another soft knocks can be heard from the door. Shige comes in.

“Hey, where’s the other?” Shige asks.

Kento shrugs his shoulders, “Honestly, I don’t know. When I arrived, I only found Shori’s and Sou’s bags. Maybe they are with Kishi.”

Shige just humming to that. 

“What are you doing here?” Kento looks at him suspiciously, when he sees Shige just sits there looking at Kento looking at his phone.

Shige grins widely, “I miss you.”

Kento’s smile blooms immediately after hearing Shige’s words. “Silly.”

“Yeah, I’m silly because I love you.”

When Shige leans closer to him, Kento hesitates for a moment, but then Shige’s lips already sealing his, and there’s no way to escape now.

The kiss last for a very short moment, because as much as Shige wants it to be longer and more passionate, he doesn’t want to put Kento in an awkward situation should Fuma suddenly come in through that door.

Kento blushes a little after the kiss. Cute, Shige thinks to himself. This little reaction he gets from Kento whenever he acts sweet to him is addicting, and Shige finds himself wanting more and more of Kento. But, he also can still see that his expressive eyes are still showing hesitation about them.

_It’s okay, he will get there eventually, someday._

Shige smiles at Kento, and he says, “Wanna go for dinner date again after your tour?”

“Dinner date? I think we need to check our schedule first.” Kento smiles apologetically.

“It’s kinda sucks that we rarely have matching schedule for a date,” Shige pouts.

Kento pinches his cheek and laughs a little, “It can’t be help since this is our job.”

Shige tries to take Kento’s hands away from his face, but Kento doesn’t want to give up. And soon it becomes a little battle between them.

They stop when they heard noise from the door. It was Fuma. He walks inside the room like he doesn’t pay any attention to Shige and Kento on the couch. But he looks so tense, Kento can physically feels him holding his breath while trying to put his bag calmly on the table and get out as fast as he can from the room.

The little battle they had stops completely. And Shige can only look at Kento while holding his hand, the last attempt to hold Kento’s attention to him. But Kento doesn’t even bother to look back at Shige. He just stares blankly at the door after Fuma left.

“Are you okay?” Shige eventually asks.

And by that question, Kento finally wakes up from his trance. “Sorry,” he says.

“It’s okay.” Shige takes Kento’s hand he holds to his lips and kiss it.

“I think I should go now. Are you gonna be okay by yourself?” 

Kento smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’m okay.”

He can feel Shige holds his hand a bit tighter before he lets go and says, “I’ll call you later.”

After Shige left, Kento is left with himself and his thoughts. A lot of thoughts. About him, about Shige, and obviously about Fuma. 

It’s been almost 2 months since he decided that he will take a step to move on and learn to love Shige the way he wants him to. But, even until now Kento still feels the hesitation in everything they did. And honestly if it’s not because he doesn’t want to hurt Shige, maybe he will just say it again that he really can’t love him like that. The main reason that holds him from saying that is the thought that Shige waits for him for years, and it’s just not fair if he give up now after only 2 months.

But at the same time, the more he spend his time with Shige, the more he is sure that he can’t see him as more than a friend. All the kiss they shared are from Shige’s initiative. All the dates they had was Shige’s proposal. Sure their first kiss felt so nice and made his heart skip a beat, but the more they kiss the more Kento thinks that this is not right. 

Shige is nice and all, he knows what kind of words that will make him feel loved and treasured, and Kento always thinks it will be so much easier if he can just love him more, like the way Shige loves him. But apparently being nice to him and loving him so dearly are not going to magically turn him to love him that way.

And then there’s also the thing with Fuma. When he is with Shige, he can’t stop comparing Shige with Fuma, and the more he tries to stop comparing them like that, the more it’s impossible to throw Fuma away from his life. In the end, Kento just getting more confused about his own feelings than before.

Kento hates being confused like this. He just hurts more people by doing that. Like what happened just now. If only he is in love with Shige and agree to be his boyfriend, he doesn’t have to stop like that when Fuma came to the room. He only hurts Shige by doing that. And he also hates to admit it, but he still knows Fuma so well that he can tell that being conscious around Fuma about how he acts with Shige is only hurting Fuma more, and that’s not what Kento wants too.

In the end, Kento just sighs deeply and decides that finding Shori and Sou will be a great distraction for now.

 

***

 

“They are not dating,” Juri said immediately when Fuma reaches their table.

Shintaro nods eagerly, “Yes, Hokuto confirmed it himself.”

Fuma just sighs as he finally sits on the empty place left for him. He is meeting with Juri, Shin, Kochi, and Jesse after Shokura filming. It’s been a while since they hang out together, so he thought it’s gonna be a good distraction from his messy life. But no, he thought wrong. He wonders how can he completely forget the fact that his friends are the worst gossip and meddler he ever know. 

“Well, Hokuto said Kento told him that he is on some test run with Shige, but Hokuto thinks Kento is still doubting whatever relationship he has with Shige now.” Jesse tells more of the detail they got from Hokuto to Fuma.

“How many times should I tell you that it’s not my business anymore?” Fuma is really tired with this kind of conversation.

“And how many times should we tell you that you’re not honest with yourself?” Juri returns immediately.

“Fuma, you may tell us you don’t care anymore, but we can see it clearly that you’re not over him.” Kochi says.

“Okay, whatever. Say what you wanna say. But if you are really my friends, you will do me a big favor and stop talking about it now.” Fuma is seriously tired. 

Juri looks like he is mocking Fuma when he says, “It is exactly because you’re our friends that we are having this conversation!”

The tension between them starts to feel bad, and reading how bad the atmosphere between Juri and Fuma is right now, Kochi takes an initiative to do a prevention.

“Okay, stop. Listen, if you think we are being annoying by unnecessarily meddling with your personal life, we are sorry. But I want you to know that we care about you. We just want you to be happy.” Kochi says.

“Couldn’t agree more with him,” Shin adds and continues, “Honestly, I just want you to be happy. Because you’re seriously not fun when you’re heartbroken, and it’s been almost a year already and we can’t see the sign of you finally rising from the death.”

“Look, I’m not stupid, I appreciate your attention, but I seriously need some rest right now, and how can I get it when all you do is just pushing me more to the edge?” Fuma asks a bit desperately.

“Sorry if we make you feel like that. But in all honesty, I don’t think ignoring the problem will give you some rest either.” Kochi says again.

“Then what do you want me to do?” Fuma asks exasperatedly.

“Facing the truth,” Juri says.

“Remember what you told me that night after your fight? It’s clear that you found your soulmate in Kento. So why go as far as denying it and giving up now? I know you are the one at fault here, but don’t you wanna try and earn that trust again?”

Kochi nods, “And if you ask me, I can tell you that Kento looks like he is thinking the same. I don’t say that moving on is an easy job, but it’s been a year already and he is still don’t want to commit with anyone. He doesn’t even let someone in to his life the way he let you before.”

“No, you guys don’t understand. I hurted him so bad, and he clearly said he doesn’t want me anymore. And it’s the only thing I can do now to respect his decision. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but we are finally getting back to where we used to as friend. We survived a week in Hawaii, we mourn together for Shori’s lost, we celebrated the kids’ and our birthdays together. We spent so many hours just enjoying each other’s company together. And we also survived a tour together and we only have Yokohama left now so why should I force my way to him again and ruin the friendship I try to build with him now?” Fuma explains.

“Because it’s just an illusion. This newfound friendship is just an illusion you both created to ignore what you both truly feel for each other.” Juri simply says.

Fuma shakes his head, “Even if we love each other, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t love me anymore, I don’t think we can make it work this time. We failed. And we failed because I ruined it twice. What makes you think it will be different this time?”

“You changed, we know it. And I’m sure Kento is not stupid, he can see it too that you’re changing.” Juri says.

“Well, people always say that if you fail 100 times then maybe you will success on the 101st time. You only gave yourself 2 tries, don’t you think that you deserve another chance?” Kochi adds.

Fuma looks so hurt when he says, “The one who has the rights to decide it is Kento, not me. And he already said it clearly he is tired with me.”

“So you really wanna give up?” Shin asks.

“Yes.” Fuma answers sadly.

Both of them are finally found their old rhythm to continue their friendship, and they’ve been doing great so far except for a few awkward times where Fuma found Kento and Shige together. But it’s his fault, if only he can act completely normal, they don’t have to experience those awkwardness. Still, Fuma doesn’t want to do anything that will make the progress they made so far turn into a waste.

They are silent for a while before Juri finally sighs and speaks again, “If you really want to give up and move on, leave that apartment.”

Fuma is startled by Juri’s words. He thought he hides it perfectly, the fact that he never move from their old apartment. But seems like his secret is not fully concealed.

“Don’t look at me like that, and don’t try to deny it.” Juri can read that Fuma is surprised.

“What do you mean?” Kochi says. Clearly Fuma is not the only one who is surprised by Juri’s words.

Juri sighs again before he finally explains, “Well you see, he almost always turn us down everytime we ask him to go hang out with us.” he looks at the other first before he look at Fuma again and continue.

“A few weeks ago, I went to your house because I knew it was your day off after the tour in Fukuoka and I thought I would go to your place so you won’t have reason to turn me down again. But I saw you getting into the car, so I followed you. And you brought me to your old apartment. I didn’t mean stalk you or being creepy, but I kinda stayed there for almost 2 hours, I think. Before I left I called you to ask where you are, and you lied to me, you said you’re at your parents house. Why you never tell us that you never move from there?”

Fuma remember that day. And he suddenly feel stupid for not noticing Juri’s car when he followed him. And he also feel lost because he honestly doesn't have any answer to Juri’s question.

When Fuma still not answering him, Juri asks again, “Isn’t it enough as a proof that you actually don’t want to move on?”

Fuma takes a deep breath before he finally says, “It’s not the way you think it is. I’m living with my parents, that’s the truth.”

“Then why you still own that place?” Shin cuts him.

_Because you still want to feel Kento. You cannot let go of the ghost of him smiling at you every morning when you sleep on that bed._

Fuma can hear a familiar voice inside his head. But this voice, Fuma reasons, is the evil living inside him. Listening to that voice won’t bring him any good.

“I don’t know,” he finally says.

Listening to Fuma’s answer, Kochi sighs. He suddenly look as tired as Fuma.

“Do you really think that holding on to that place is good for you?”

Fuma is silent, so Jesse took it to himself to read him and answer Kochi in his place.

“I think that’s a no.”

“Leave that place. You said yourself you want to move on, you want to respect Kento’s decision. You convinced us that you don’t have another chance. So I don’t think staying at that place is the right answer if you really want to move on and give Kento what he wants.” Kochi says.

Fuma actually let Kochi’s word sink in to his head. He knows his friends are right. Honestly, he knows that this is the right thing to do since the beginning, but he is just too afraid to admit that he can’t continue living if he let go of the memories they had in that apartment.

Maybe it’s really the time to finally learn how to live without Kento, he thinks. Because holding on to their memories is actually only going to drown himself more to the deep sea of his own guilt. 

It’s time to give Kento a chance to finally free from him. It will hurt him to see Kento with someone else. Hell, it’s already hurt so much everytime he sees Kento together with Shige, and his friends just told him that they are not dating, yet.

It’s gonna hurt so much, he honestly is not sure if he can ever see the end of the pain, but he must learn how to live with it. Because he can see it that the only thing that holding Kento from starting a new relationship with someone else is the invisible chain he put on his neck. And it’s time to finally break it. It’s time to set him free completely from him.

 

***

 

Kento check his group’s chat room. Fuma is having a last minute discussion with everyone about what they want to talk at their concert that gonna start in 2 days. Well he mostly talk with Marius and Sou. Shori occasionally replying the chat when Fuma asks for whole group’s opinion. But he is still much better than Kento who mostly silently read everything and only replying their chats with “Sounds good” and “Agree”.

The reason why he can’t concentrate on his group’s discussion is because he is at Shige’s place right now. Shige called him and asked if they can meet tonight, honestly Kento wants to turn him down, but Shige sounds a bit different tonight, so Kento finally said okay. And now he just sits on the couch, looking at all the chats he missed when he had dinner with Shige. 

“Here,” Shige places a cup of tea on the table in front of Kento before he sits next to him and turn on the TV.

Kento mumbles a Thank You to him, and they just sit like that for no less than 15 minutes. Kento is still busy keeping up with his group’s chat, and Shige distracts himself with some variety shows on TV.

When Kento finally locks his phone again, Shige glances at him and his phone.

“Sorry to call you here when you’re busy,” Shige apologizes.

Kento quickly shakes his head, “No, it’s okay. I’m sorry too I can’t really leave my phone right now.”

“It’s okay, I understand. It’s for work after all, of course I can’t ask you to just ignore it for me.” Shige tries to ease Kento, but he can’t really hide the sadness from his voice.

Kento just reply it with a smile, then he asks, “So, did something happen today? You can’t hide it from me that you’re feeling so down tonight.”

Shige just shrugs at first, but Kento still looking at him, waiting for an answer, so he finally replies.

“It’s just one of those days I guess.”

“One of those days,” Kento repeats.

He is fully understand what Shige means with that. Everyone has those days when they just feel sad and lonely without any particular reason after all.

“What can I do to help you, then?” Kento asks.

Shige looks at him hesitantly at first, but then he gives up and just say the truth to Kento.

“Love me.”

This answer is not the one he anticipated. It actually only makes him wants to run away from here because he is still not ready with this kind of conversation.

When Kento still not saying anything to him, Shige looks even sadder. It makes him finally say thing he doesn’t want to ask Kento the most.

“Hey, until when should I wait for you like this?”

Kento’s eyes is widen in surprise. He is even more not ready with this question. In the end he just stay with his silence and let Shige’s question flow in the air. 

Suddenly the sound from Kento’s phone is breaking the silence they had between them. They both look at Kento’s phone. It’s a message from none other than Fuma. From the pop up window, Shige can see that it’s from Sexy Zone’s group chat, but the content of the chat Fuma just sent is directed to Kento.

At first they just let it be. Fuma asked Kento for opinion, but Kento is too braindead to answer his chat because of Shige’s question. But then Fuma sent another chat,  
_”Nakajima? You’re oddly silent today. Is it bad timing for us to talk about it now?”_

Kento is already reaching out to take his phone again, but Shige stops him.

“Don’t.”

Shige holds Kento’s hand and it stops Kento from reaching his phone. They both just stare at each other like that for a few seconds until Shige breaks it.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be like this.” he says then stands up to leave Kento alone.

But Kento feels guilty somehow for making Shige runs from him like that. It’s not Shige’s fault that the status of their relationship is still not clear after all.

“Shige,” Kento holds Shige’s hand to stop him from walk away. “Hey, are you okay?”

Shige turns around. His eyes are showing a really painful emotion, but he sits back again when Kento pulls his hand.

“Look, I’m sorry if you’re feeling down because of me, but I thought we agree on giving me more time to think about it.” Kento says.

“I know. But the problem is I feel like you’re not giving enough effort to it,” Shige says. Seems like he doesn’t care to hide his true emotion anymore.

Kento knows no matter how hard he tried to conceal it from Shige, he can’t hide the fact that he is still not really sure with this decision. But for him, this is all he can give for now, and if it’s not enough as an effort for Shige, Kento doesn’t know what else should he do to prove it that he really thinks about their future.

The problem here is Kento can’t explain that to Shige, because he knows whatever reason he say to him will end up hurting him badly. When Kento took too much time thinking and just leave Shige’s words dancing in the air, Shige starts to feel more hopeless, because he can’t fool himself anymore than this. He can’t deceive himself anymore to believe that they can go somewhere someday. It makes him mad actually, because he just doesn’t understand how can Kento still doubting them when he already gave him his all and proved it that he can do better than Fuma.

The more he thinks about it, the angrier he became. And Kento still refuses to look at him. Shige can feel that he starts to lose all rational thoughts.

“Why you just keeping silence? You shut your mouth twice tonight when I mentioned about this. Is it really impossible for you to love me?” Shige asks.

Kento looks scared and confused when he replies, “No, it’s not like that. You know I still need more time to get myself ready for another relationship. I beg you, don’t push me like that.”

“But you are not even giving enough effort to call it a start, Kento!” Shige raises his voice without he realizes it.

“I’m giving all I can, Shige!” Kento defends himself. “I’m trying to move on and learn how to love you at the same time! It’s not easy to do all that. What should I do to make you understand that I’m thinking seriously about us?”

“Kiss me then. Prove it that you’re really thinking about me,” Shige suddenly confronts Kento. “You never kissed me, Kento. It’s always me! Never you. Do you really think I didn’t notice?”

Kento is taken aback by Shige’s sudden demand, and it makes him wants to flee more from this place.

Shige looks so hurt when Kento going back to his silence, “Fine if you don’t want to.”

The next moment Kento feels Shige pushes him harshly until his back meets the couch. Shige never treat him roughly like this before, and it startled him until he can’t see it when Shige straddles him and leans down to kiss him.

Shige doesn’t wait for Kento’s approval when he force Kento’s lips open with his kiss, and when Kento finally parts his lips, he sneaks in his tongue to make the kiss sloppier.

Soon Kento starts to regain his awareness of his surrounding, and when the realization of what Shige does to him sinked in, he tries his best to shove him off from him. But Shige is not giving up either. He is putting all his strength to hold Kento still while he force himself to him. 

When Shige finally breaks the kiss, Kento wants to shout, but somehow his voice got stuck in his throat and all he can do is just keep trying to break his hands free from Shige’s strong hands.

Shige moves down to his neck. Kento can feels Shige’s lips there. It feels wet and wrong, and all he can think about is he doesn’t want this. But Shige suddenly bites his neck and sucks it so hard until Kento bites his lower lip in pain.

He knows he can’t let it go farther than this, he really needs to fight back and stop him, so Kento uses all his strength to break his hands free from Shige. He succeed this time, and the moment he got his hands free, he pushes Shige so hard until he falls from the couch to the floor.

Shige looks like he is in some kind of trance after he fell, while Kento just sits there and looks so frightened and shocked because he never think the man he thought would never hurt him, just did the exact thing said man promised he would never do.

Kento needs a minute until he finally can gather all the strength remain in him to stands up and leave. Kento quickly grabs his phone on the table and his bag on the armchair then run to the door to leave Shige’s apartment. 

He doesn’t need to look back to see that Shige doesn’t even look up when he left.

Kento walks so fast he almost run until he finally reaches the main street. He is still in shock, but still too aware of his surrounding. His rage breathing will only makes him stand out in the crowd. He looks around to see where he should go from there, but no matter where he looks, he can’t think of any safe place he could go at time like this except his own apartment. He stops the first taxi he saw and go home, because loitering around the city at this hour and at this state is too risky for him.

When he gets inside the taxi, he accidentally glances at the bruise on his neck from the rear mirror. It’s too visible and too obvious, he needs to hide it. Kento pulls his jacket up, but it can’t fully cover the mark Shige left on his neck. 

The attempt to hide the mark only brings the memory of how he even got it in the first place. Kento starts to feel that he is hyperventilating himself again with the memory of what happen no longer than 20 minutes ago. It’s really not the place to suddenly having a mental break down, he thinks. 

His phone buzzes suddenly when he is busy praying he can hold himself sane until he reach his apartment door. At first, Kento is half afraid that it was from Shige, but after he gathered a courage and look at it, he let out a deep breath he didn’t realize he hold. It was from Sou, he asked him the same question Fuma asked half an hour ago.

Kento send a quick reply telling them he had a mild headache so he will just leave the decision to them. He prays to God they will buy it, but then suddenly he receives a direct message from Fuma.

_”Are you really okay? Is it your migraine? You’re not drinking too much caffeine again, right?”_

When he reads Fuma’s message, he feels like crying because suddenly all he wants is to hide himself in Fuma’s embrace and crying on his shoulder until morning. Fuma was his safe place, and maybe he still is. But they are not the same anymore, Kento needs to learn how to live independently without Fuma, because he can’t go back to him again.

_Help me, I’m not okay._

But still, all rational thoughts couldn’t stop his true emotion from resurfacing. All Kento wants is to shout out loud, searching for Fuma, and asking shelter from him. But he can’t and he shouldn’t do that. In the end, he just send Fuma a message telling him that he is okay and he doesn’t have to worry about him.

He looks outside the window after he sent the message, and he wonders to himself can he really continue living like this forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really confident posting this actually. And my life in the last month has been miserable already until it's hard to think positively about life.... Well hopefully people will forgive me for writing this fic :"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally reach the end of this story!   
> It really took me a month to write those last few paragraphs orz  
> I really shouldn't write fic in chapters next time :")
> 
> Happy belated birthday to my friend! I'm sorry I missed your actual birthday, and even when I said I'm gonna finish it before Kento's birthday, I ended up doing something else :"

Fuma curses to himself when he gets off from the car. He curses because of the thing he did two days ago. The thing that violates the rule he made to protect their friendship. 

When he read that Kento is having a headache, he sent him a direct message right away without even thinking that this could ruin the friendship they successfully built so far.

And then a reply from Kento came, a simple message telling him not to worry. Fuma can’t interpret it better than ‘Kento is telling me to fuck off’. Honestly he just wants to runaway and never meet Kento again now, but they have concert to do, and it’s the final shows for their tour this year. He can’t ruin everything now.

Fuma takes a deep breath when he is slowly approaching their room. Looking half awake in the morning is his specialty, but looking half alive in the morning especially when there are so many cameras around to film them for the tour’s documentary is obviously not his style, so he better calm himself down before he meet Kento again.

When he enters the room, everyone is there already, and Sou who spots him first, greets him good morning, and that makes everyone glances at him. 

Not a weird situation, he thinks. In fact, this is how they always are in their greenroom, but somehow today he feels awkward with this little attention he got. He walks to the couch which already occupied by Kento. 

“Hey, are you okay now?” Fuma tries to be friendly but not over-friendly.

Kento looks a bit startled at first, but then he smiles, although it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, I’m fine. I guess I was a bit overworked, but I’m really fine now.”

Fuma knows Kento lies, but he let it be. It’s not his place anymore to fuss around Kento like that.

“Good, then. Just tell us if you need more rest or anything.” Fuma emphasizes that he is just being friendly to Kento now with using the word ‘us’ instead of ‘me’.

“Thanks,” Kento answers simply. 

With his answer, Fuma can only nod and leave Kento alone with his script again. And Fuma decides that he better close his eyes for awhile until they call them for rehearsal because he starts to feel unwell himself just by talking to Kento.

 

 

They only have one show on the first day, and it finished around 8 pm. They all went home immediately after that. Fuma, Kento, and Marius are going home together in one car because the route for their houses are near from each other, while Shori and Sou are going home together because their houses are near from each other but far from the other 3.

Marius is already can’t stop talking since before the driver started the engine, and it honestly helps Fuma to relax more around Kento. They talk about their summer concert preparation. Marius says he and Sou are going to pour all their love for Sexy Zone in this concert, and the older 2 just nod and say they can’t wait to see what they have prepared for everyone. 

When they arrived at Marius’ house, they said goodbye to Marius, and when the car door is closed again, the car feels awkwardly empty.

“Seems like their concert this year will be fun, too. I wonder if I can watch their concert this year.” Kento thankfully starts a conversation with Fuma so they don’t have to continue the awkward silence.

“You gonna start filming after your concert, right?” Fuma asks.

“Yes, and I still don’t know exactly when will I get the day off between my schedule.” Kento sighs.

“They will definitely understand even if you can’t go to their concert. But I hope you can find a day off to watch them.” Fuma says nicely.

“Thank you,” Kento smiles. “By the way, how is yours?”

Fuma looks hesitate at first, then he asks, “Mine? Going well I guess. But I’m still not sure with some songs in my setlist.”

“Really? Well, I think whatever song you choose it will be an amazing setlist as always.” Kento looks genuinely interest and praising Fuma when he said that, and it makes Fuma smile unconsciously.

“Thank you. What about you? Everything’s going well?” Fuma asks back.

Kento nods, “Everything is going well despite my crazy schedule.”

“Good to hear that then.” Fuma replies simply.

“Hey, can I ask what song you chose this year for the opening?” Kento asks him, still looking genuinely curious and interest in Fuma’s concert. But Kento’s question is not an easy one for Fuma to answer.

Because the first song he gonna sing on his concert is the song that represents his feeling about their past relationship.

“I chose ‘But…’.”

“Really? Why?” Kento asks him curiously. “I mean you usually start it with something more party-like song.”

Fuma hesitates for a moment, but he still explain it in the end, “My concert this time is the continuation of last year. So I start it with ‘But…’ because that song is like the representation of my naive self… at least that’s what I think.” 

Kento blinks a few time, “I didn’t know it means like that to you.”

After Kento said that, Fuma can’t seem to find something to say back, and Kento doesn’t seem know what to talk either. They end up going with the silence again.

But then Fuma sees outside the window and he realizes they’re approaching his house now, and suddenly, he doesn’t know how and why, he feels like it’s the right time to say it. He needs to tell Kento something if he really gonna move on for good after this.

“Hey, can I say something?” Fuma asks Kento, but he feels kind of stupid with the question he threw to Kento just now.

“Sorry, I’m not good with this. I don’t even know how to start. But I need to tell you about this.” Fuma continues, and Kento looks alarmed.

Fuma can see that he is making Kento worried now, so he says, “It’s not something that should make you worry by the way. I just need to tell you that I’m… Umm, I’m going to move out from that apartment at the end of August.”

“What?” Kento looks confused, his voice is no louder than just a whisper.

“I’m moving out from there,” Fuma repeats.

“I thought you live with your parents,” Kento furrows his eyebrows.

“I am. But I never really move out from that place.”

‘Why?’ is the question Kento wants to ask Fuma so much right now, but he doesn’t have the courage to do that.

“I’m telling you this because you still have some stuffs left in that apartment. And some furnitures are yours actually, so I thought I need to tell you this in case you want them back.” Fuma explains.

“Oh,” Kento says simply. “When will you moving?”

“August 29th maybe. If you can’t take them yourself, I can send it to you actually, but you have to wait because I can only pack them up after my solo concert.” Fuma says.

Kento quickly shakes his head, “No, it’s okay, I can take them myself.”

Fuma turns more awkward with Kento’s answer, “Okay then... Just tell me when you gonna take them, I will open the door for you.”

After he says that, they arrived in front of his house so they said goodbye. And now Fuma is alone in his room, the key to their old apartment is in his hand. He stares at it for quite a long time.

_This is the right thing to do._

 

***

 

Ever since that night when Fuma told him that he still own that place, Kento can’t take his eyes off from Fuma. Every time they are together in same place, his eyes will keep searching for him. 

Maybe, Kento thinks, it’s because he still can’t forget that night after he ran away from Shige’s place, he can’t forget how he wanted to see Fuma so bad and how he really needed him at that time. Or maybe it’s because he can’t believe it that Fuma hold on to that place for almost a year when in front of Kento he acts like the best friend he used to before they started dating. He can’t understand everything, not when he believes that Fuma has gone so far in moving on.

Kento found himself look at Fuma more often than before on their last concert day. Maybe it’s because that day is the last day he gonna see Fuma almost 24 hours at work. After this they will be busy with their own schedule.

On the last day of their tour, they went to celebrate it with the staffs. Kento didn’t even feel cautious like he used to when he is around Fuma. He talked, he laughed, and he never stop looking at Fuma. Even when the younger boy is not talking, he still found himself looking back at him again and again.

He observed Fuma, and he thought about a lot of things when he looked at him. And the more he looked, the more he thought he should do it soon so he can let Fuma free from him.

All this time, he thought he is the only one who can’t move on. But after knowing that Fuma can’t even let go of their old place, Kento thinks maybe he is not the only one trapped in the memory of their past. 

But now Fuma wants to move out. Maybe the reason why Fuma finally wants to move out from that place is because he is really going to move on from their past. 

_What should I do?_

Kento wonders, is there any right answer to what he should do from now on? Because he is confused with his own feeling. Nothing feels right to him at this moment.

He still loves Fuma, but he doesn’t want to go back to where they used to before. But the desire of having Fuma is so strong. No matter how much he tried to forget it, no matter how much he tried to love someone else, the feeling of wanting him never disappear. Even getting stronger the more he tries to resist it.

Kento takes his phone from the table. He feels like listening to that song again this morning. So he plays that one song he listens to every night since Fuma told him he is moving out from that place.

He listens to it carefully. Until yesterday, he tried so hard to find an answer from the lyric Fuma wrote months before their break up. 

_I might be the one who isn’t honest enough._

And today, after observing Fuma for days, Kento starts to feel that he finally understands. He should let this go, whatever feelings he has inside him. Because he trapped in it for so long, and he even dragged Fuma to this trap together with him when Fuma actually really wants to move on.

Kento closes his eyes, he just listen to the song, and let the lyrics covering his mind. And at the same time, he says to himself that it’s time to make a decision. If he continue this thing, he will just hurt everyone. He will hurt Fuma, Shige, and even himself. Well, actually he is fully aware that whatever path he chooses, he knows he will hurt everyone, but which one will have the least damage?

Kento takes a deep breath. He looks at the cup of tea in front of him vacantly. And then suddenly he stands up and takes his car key.

_Maybe 名もなき感情の音が 鳴り止まなくなって..._

 

***

 

_”The number you are calling is not available, please leave a message after the tone.”_

Kento has been trying to reach Fuma since he left his apartment this morning. He wonders if Fuma is still sleeping since he is not a morning person just like Kento.

But it’s 11 a.m. already, and even Kento is already awake since hours ago. What is he actually doing now?

After thinking about what he should do, Kento took his car key and drove to the apartment where he lived together with Fuma until a year ago. He is going back there to take his stuffs back. In other meaning, he is there to take a step to help Fuma, and himself, to move on. But Fuma is not answering his phone. 

He doesn’t have the key to that place anymore. He knows it’s his fault for coming there so suddenly like this. But Kento really can’t do it later. Right now he has the will to do it, he doesn’t know will he ever have this strength again if he didn’t do it today. And that’s why he is now inside the elevator that brings him to the floor where he used to live before.

The moment the doors open and Kento steps outside, millions of memories coming back to him in every way possible. From scents to views and shadows. For a moment he can feels like he is stepping back into the past.

But the nostalgia didn’t last long. When he arrived in front of the door, he is back to reality.

He is sure they sent Fuma back to his parents house last night after the party. Kento was there after all, when they dropped him off in front of his parents’ house.

Kento tries to call Fuma again, but still no answer from him. He tries again and again, and suddenly he remembers. They used to hide a secret spare key under the fire extinguisher inside a glass box next to the door.

He puts his phone back to his pocket, and walks to the glass box. Just like what he expects, there’s a key under the fire extinguisher. Kento feels like he is breaking into someone’s house when he use the key to get in, well it’s exactly like what he feels. This place is Fuma’s after all and he is going in without Fuma knowing. But this is the only way. He can tell Fuma later about it.

“Sorry for intruding,” Kento whispers when he enters the place.

Kento takes his shoes off and walks to the living dining room. Everything is still the same, just like when he left Fuma alone that night after he broke up with him. And it brings an unwanted sorrow to him. He realizes there that he really misses this place.

From the way everything is still the same, Kento can tell that Fuma just think about moving out recently. At first Kento just stand there, not moving. He looks around, allowing himself to engrave everything he sees to his memory for the last time.

Suddenly, he spots his mug. Kento remembers how he always drink coffee from that mug and how Fuma would always gruntly take it away and put it on the sink because he always knows that a cup of coffee is never enough for Kento.

The memory of it makes Kento walks to the counter where his mug is. But when he stands in front of it and about to reach out his hand to take it, he hears a loud thud from the bedroom.

_Fuma?_

Kento is hesitate for a moment, but then he walks quickly to the bedroom, and when he opens it, he finds himself not too surprised when he sees Fuma on the floor. But a second after, he feels cold when he spots a fallen bottle of vodka on the floor next to him. The bottle is opened and the liquid inside the bottle is spilled on the floor.

He rushes to where Fuma fell.

“Fuma? Hey, can you hear me?!”

For a second Kento thinks he lost Fuma because the younger didn’t give him any response even when he shakes his body not so gently. But then when Kento takes his face and make him look at Kento, he grunts and then he coughs.

“Fuma! Come on, get up! You’re too smart for this!”

With the sound of his name ‘Fuma’ keep coming out from Kento’s mouth, Fuma finally opens his eyes. Kento helps him sit up, but Fuma can’t stop staring at Kento.

“Kento? I’m sorry,” Fuma cries suddenly.

Kento glances at him, he doesn’t want to say anything back to his apology. “Come on, get up. We need to get you to the bed.”

But Fuma grabs Kento’s hand and shakes his head, “No, I’m sorry!”

When Kento ignores it and just keep trying to pull Fuma up, Fuma shakes his head again. His voice sounds crack when he says, “You should leave me. I deserve to die. I better be dead after hurting you like that.”

With those words, Kento finally looks up to see Fuma’s face. “Don’t say that.”

“Let me die,” another tears slips from Fuma’s eyes.

“You’re drunk. Come on, just get up and move to the bed.”

“No! Leave me alone! I don’t wanna live like this forever! I just wanna die!” Fuma shouts at Kento.

There’s horror from Kento’s eyes when he heard what Fuma said to him, and for a moment he feels like he lost his mind too and he doesn’t think twice when he slaps Fuma on the face hard and making him meet the floor again.

“Don’t you dare say things like that again!” Kento looks shaken and terrified when he says that.

There’s no answer from Fuma. He just stay where he is. The tears still coming from his eyes, and he is not able to look at Kento’s face. 

“Come on, let’s get you up to the bed.” Kento says, and this time Fuma just do as he was told.

 

 

Kento helped Fuma to the bed and after he tuck him under the cover, he sternly said to him to not get up again and do something stupid. Then he picked the bottle up from the floor, and took it with him to the kitchen. 

He poured all the liquid left to the sink, and throw the bottle to the trash can. Then he search the kitchen to find another harmful comfort bottle, but he only found 3 empty bottles hidden behind the trash can. He wonders how long Fuma been drinking away his problem like this.

When he went back to the bedroom, Fuma already fell deep in slumber. There’s tears stained on his face. He looks terrible, soulless even though Kento can see his chest going up and down, breathing. He sighed, he feels so tired suddenly, so he decides to just sit there on the bed watching him.

And now 12 hours has passed since then. Kento is deep in his own thoughts when he hears Fuma shifts on the bed. He looks immediately at him, and found Fuma’s eyes already on him.

Fuma looks confused, he looks at Kento for quite a long time, and suddenly he averts his gaze. He looks like he is thinking to himself. Then Kento hears him whisper, “It’s just another dream.”

He says those words like he is trying to convince himself that he is really looking at a dream right now. And Kento thinks to himself, maybe he is not the only one who keeps seeing illusions of his ex no matter what he does or where he goes.

“It’s not a dream. I’m really here,” Kento says tiredly.

After hearing those words, Fuma looks at him again and he hastily sit up. But his sudden moves only brings more pain to his head. He moans and presses his head with his hands in hope it can reduce the pain.

“You fell on the floor when I found you,” Kento explains to Fuma.

Fuma still closes his eyes and his hands are not moving from where he presses his head to reduce the pain.

Kento sighs, and he says “Here, drink this.”  
He gives Fuma a medicine to reduce his headache and a glass of water. After Fuma drinks the medicine and hands him the glass back, Kento helps Fuma to lay back on the bed again.

When he feels that laying back is definitely better than sitting up, Fuma opens his eyes and search for Kento. Fuma looks at Kento hesitatingly at first, but then he asks him, “Why are you here?”

Kento just look at Fuma at first and then he sighs before he says, “I’m here to take my stuffs actually. I tried to call you, but you didn’t answer, so I used the extra key under the fire extinguisher in front of the door to let myself in. Sorry I came in without permission like that.”

Fuma just nods slowly after he heard that and he says almost in whisper, “It’s okay.”

After that Fuma decides to go with silence. But Kento can’t bear with another of it, so he asks him the question he wants to ask the most right now. They really need to talk after all.

“How long have you been using alcohol as your comfort like that?”

Fuma looks back to Kento to deny it quickly, “It’s not like what you think.”

“I found 3 empty bottles behind the trash can, Kikuchi. You should know better now than selling your lies to me again.”

With Kento’s harsh reply, Fuma feels resign. Kento is right, he shouldn’t lie to him again after all of that. He should have learned his lesson.

“I swear to you, I’m not an alcoholic and I don’t drink it that often. It’s just that sometimes I really need them to help me forget all the pain for a while.”

“It doesn’t look just like that to me, it’s definitely not just to help you forget,” Kento’s face looks so sad when he said that.

Fuma looks lost at first. He can’t remember what happened before he wake up. He wonders did he say or do something terrible to Kento when he wasn’t really himself.

“Did I do something to you?” Fuma asks eventually, because silence won’t give him enlightenment, and he is really afraid that he hurt Kento again.

But Kento just look at him at first. His expression hasn’t change, it’s getting worse actually. The more he looks at Fuma, the more he looks so hurt and wants to cry.

“Nakajima?” Fuma tries to call him, but Kento still sit there silently and not able to look at Fuma again.

When Kento doesn’t show any signal that he is going to say something or move, Fuma collects his courage and he calls him once again.

“Kento…”

A drop of tear slips from Kento’s eye when he heard Fuma call him with his name again. He takes a deep breath and close his eyes for a moment before he looks up again to look at Fuma right in his eyes.

“Do you remember that summer before we debut? That summer when we had our first kiss and you confessed to me?” Kento asks.

Fuma is taken aback a little by the sudden change of topic, but he nods. Of course he remembers. How could he not? On summer that day, he finally gave up pretending that he is not in love with his bandmate. He still doesn’t know how or what kind of power possessed him that day, but he remember he kissed Kento suddenly in his room when Kento came to his house after work. He still remembers how Kento’s face painted in pink shades after the kiss, and how big his eyes when Fuma just blurted out that he loves him. He still remember everything.

“Do you remember what you told me after I asked you what made you suddenly confess to me?” Kento asks again, pulling Fuma out from old memories.

He remembers that too. But before he can say anything, Kento already opens his mouth again.

“You said you’re afraid to lose me.” Kento says.

Fuma remembers, after the earthquake in 2011, he found out through the news that the area where Kento lived was damaged quite severely. He was at home when the disaster happened, and he tried to contact everyone he knows. Everyone said they were okay, but only one person didn’t answer his call at that time. Kento didn’t answer his call no matter how many times Fuma tried to reach him. Fuma remembers how he was out of his mind because of that. The only thing that filled his mind is Kento, whether he is safe or not. And he also remembers how hard he cried when later at night Kento finally sent him a message telling him he was okay.

“I want you to remember that day every time you want to do something stupid to yourself.” Kento says again. More tears coming from his eyes when he says the next words.

“You can’t just say you better be dead easily like that, Fuma. As much as you’re afraid to lose me, I’m also afraid to lose you.”

Fuma is quite shocked by that. Did he really say it out loud to Kento? He can’t remember it at all.

“I’m sorry,” is all that Fuma can say.

Kento wipes the tears from his cheeks as he starts to say, “We are not doing it right if we became like this.”

“Our break up should be liberating, not keeping us from freedom. Why can’t you let yourself free from me, Fuma?”

Fuma looks at Kento’s eyes. For the first time he really looks at it, searching for something he hopes still lives there.

“Because I still love you,” Fuma says simply. He sees no hesitation when he said that.

“Do you really wanna be free from me?” Fuma asks again.

Kento is taken aback by that question, he looks at Fuma questioningly. 

“I know you’re thinking about going serious with Shige now, but you said it yourself you’re not dating him and it’s all still complicated between you two,” Fuma pause and looks at Kento’s eyes, he realizes he needs to explain something.

“I don’t mean to pry on your private matters, but Juri and the others keep updating it to me. I’m sorry for that. But I really need to ask after hearing all of that, do you really wanna be free from me? Because if you still have love left for me hidden somewhere in your heart, I think we can make it work somehow.”

Kento is not surprised by that information, but he is quite surprised by Fuma’s statement. 

“Listen, Fuma. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. When I said I still love you that night, I mean I really love you, and I don’t think this feeling will change in the near future either. But we still have the main problem that we can’t ignore. I can’t trust you. More precisely, I don’t know how to trust you anymore.”

Kento looks at Fuma, really look at him for a moment before he says, “If you ask me, honestly I don’t know I want to be free from you or not. I miss you, that’s a truth I can never deny. But like I said, I don’t know how to trust you anymore. I don’t know what I really want right now.”

Fuma is surprised because he can’t believe that he just heard Kento said that he still loves him. But, he knows what Kento said after that is also right. They can’t ignore the problem he created. 

Fuma looks sad and he says weakly, “I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear it again, but I really am sorry.”

“That’s my problem…” Kento stops for a moment. Then he looks at Fuma’s eyes and opens his mouth again to speak.

“I always have a soft spot for you. I always forgive you. I can’t even blame you or hate you for all the things you’ve done to me. I’m so blind, Fuma. I’ve turned into a fool because of you.”

There’s an unbearable sadness in Kento’s eyes and voice when he said that. And Fuma feels guilty for making Kento experienced all of that terrible things before. Kento is so kind, he doesn’t deserve someone like Fuma. But Fuma can’t live without Kento, and everyone knows that Kento can’t live without Fuma too. So maybe trying too hard to separate themselves from each other is not the wisest thing to do. That’s why whatever they do when they are not together feels so wrong to both of them.

Fuma looks at Kento’s hand near him. He puts his hand on top of it, then he pulls Kento to his chest. He wraps Kento with his hand, and Kento grips Fuma’s shirt so hard, as if he is afraid to let him go. They just stay like that for a moment, listening to each other’s breathing and engraving the sensation of feeling each other skin after a long time in their memories.

“You know it doesn’t have to be like this, right? I know I don’t have the right to say this, but I think we can start over, Kento. We argued and fought a lot, but we always found our way back to each other. And if you think you can give me one last chance, I think we can do it this time.” Fuma suddenly says.

“It’s not that easy, Fuma. You know that,” Kento says back immediately.

“I’m not saying it’s gonna be easy. But if you can give me a last chance, we can start over again.”

“But I don’t really wanna go back either... I’m too afraid we will repeat our mistakes.” Kento admits.

Fuma is silent for a while, he is thinking about what Kento just said. Sure, he is afraid they will repeat their mistakes, or worse making a new one, but they love each other so much and resisting each other just because they are afraid is not something that Fuma wants. They shouldn’t give up on their love easily like that.

“I know we can’t go back. It’s a foolish move if we decide to go back after all that happened. But, I want us to start over, with you giving me a last chance and I’m working hard to earn your trust back. I’m a changed man, you can have my word now, I’m gonna work hard so I won’t make the same mistake again.”

This time, it’s Kento’s turn to stay silent. Kento is still confuse, he doesn’t know what to do. 

“I know I’m forcing my thoughts again to you right now. It’s a bad habit of mine, but I don’t think I can live without you. Don’t you feel the same?” Fuma sounds so hurt when he admits he can’t live without Kento.

But Kento is still silent. He wants to give Fuma another chance, but he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not.

“I can give you a chance to convince me that you really deserve another chance. But I want you to know that it doesn’t mean I want you back as my boyfriend again” Kento says, and then he stops for a moment. He hides his face on Fuma’s chest, then he continues.

“I don’t wanna be your boyfriend, not until I believe that you’ve changed. Not until I can trust you again.”

With Kento’s words, Fuma finally lets an air he doesn’t know he hold. For a moment he thought there’s really no chance for him to be together with Kento again. Even though Kento said he doesn’t want him now, Fuma is somehow positive that this time he finally can make a new start with Kento.

He smiles in relief when he says, “I can work with that. As long as you give me another chance, I believe we can make it work this time.”

Kento smiles too, and he kisses Fuma’s chest before he closes his eyes and enjoying the familiar feeling of sleeping on Fuma’s chest that he missed so much.

Fuma feels so happy with the little affection he got from Kento. He tighten his hug and that makes Kento chuckles, even though his laughter is damped by Fuma’s chest.

Their position is not exactly comfy for Kento, so he free himself from Fuma for a while to finally take his legs to up the bed and lay beside him. Finding his place right next to Fuma. That place that seems made only for him. That place where Fuma’s embrace feels like it fits perfectly for his body only. 

“You reek of alcohol,” Kento says lazily after he makes himself comfortable in Fuma’s arms.

“I will take a shower hundred times if you want me, but right now let me stay like this for a bit more,” Fuma smiles and feels stupidly happy.

Fuma tighten his embrace again, and Kento smiles and thinks to himself, maybe giving him another chance is really the best thing he should have done since the beginning.

 

***

 

Shige can’t believe his eyes when he opens the door and see that it’s really Kento that stands in front of his house. After that night, everything seems so awkward between them, and Shige actually noticed how Fuma and Kento seems to get closer again since then.

“Can I come in?” Kento asks hesitatingly.

“S-Sure,” Shige replies.

Kento let himself in and just walk into the living room like there’s nothing happened between them before in this room. But Shige noted that Kento hesitates for a moment in front of the sofa where it happened. In the end Kento takes a seat on the armchair on the side of that sofa.

Shige is not really sure what he should do right now with Kento in his place. Sure he knows he should apologize, but he doesn’t know where to start.

“Um, do you want something? Tea, maybe?” First he should offer him a drink, he thinks.

“No, I’m good. It won’t take that long after all,” Kento smiles politely. The kind of smile that Shige doesn’t like, because it makes him feel like he is another stranger to Kento.

But he lets that go, and he takes a seat on the sofa, “Okay.”

“So, what makes you come here suddenly?” Shige asks, feeling a bit intimidated by how heavy the air between them is.

“I want to talk about us,” Kento says.

“.....Us?” Shige repeats.

“Yes, us. I think I should make it clear to you that I really can’t see you as more than just a friend,” Kento doesn’t beat around the bush.

Shige is not really surprised by his statement, but he still surprised by how calm Kento looks when he said that. 

He sighs deeply and say back sadly, “I never had a chance since the beginning, right?”

But Kento shrugs his shoulders a little, “Maybe.”

“I don’t know if it will become a different story if I know you first though. But the reality is Fuma is the one since the start of everything, and that’s one of many reasons why I can’t see you as more than just my friend.” 

Shige is silent by that bold statement. Kento seems so sure with every words he said. He sounds so sure of everything now.

“But I still owe you an apology.” Kento breaks the silence quickly, and his words makes Shige looks up to meet his eyes.

“Huh?”

“I should apologize to you for everything. I shouldn’t have make you wait and give you false hope since the beginning. I’m so mad at myself every time I think about it,” Kento smiles sadly.

“No, I should be the one who apologize,” Shige quickly replies.

“I’m sorry for that night. I shouldn’t have force myself like that.”

The memories of that night flashes back into his vision. Shige sighs deeply again before he continue, “I know since the beginning that I don’t stand a chance, but I keep ignoring your feeling and continue hoping you will see me as more than just your friend. I’m the one at fault.”

They both are silent, because there’s nothing left to say to make things clear between them. Kento has straightly turn his feeling down, and Shige knows that this is really the end.

In the end, he hurt Kento so bad and leaving a scar that probably will take time to heal on Kento’s heart after that night. He who doesn’t want to be his second ‘Fuma’, treat him so badly until he thinks it’s actually a miracle that Kento is back to this place again so soon like this.

“I know things are awkward between us now,” Shige says again, breaking the silence.

“But I’m wondering if we can go back again and be friends?”

Kento looks honestly surprised when he heard what Shige said. He blinks a few times before he finally says.

“Of course we could, but only if you really want to.”

Shige smiles sadly when he returns, “Why you make it sounds like it’s up to me whether we can be friend again or not?”

“Because it is. I can’t force you to be my friend after all the things that happened between us,” Kento explains.

His answer actually shocks Shige a bit because how can Kento thinks it’s really his fault they became like this.

“No, you see it wrong, Kento. Friendship can’t be build with just one person making effort for it. I’m the one who just asked whether we can be friend or not. It means I want to be your friend, and now the question is _do you_ want to be my friend again after all the things that happened between us?”

“Oh,”

“Of course I want to be your friend. I can never find you in any of my friends, not even within Fuma. You have special place in my heart. Even though it’s not love, but you’re always special to me. I can’t imagine us becoming stranger honestly,” Kento smiles softly now, and Shige thinks that this is the smile that he wants to see.

They are no strangers. He knows it’s going to take some time until Kento can feel comfortable again around him, and it’s not like his love for the younger boy in front of him will disappear anytime soon, but at least they both share same feelings. They don’t want to ruin this special friendship they have between them.

Both Shige and Kento are deep in their own thoughts for a moment after that, but then Kento’s phone buzzing. Kento looks at it for a moment.

“I’m sorry, but I really have to go now,” Kento stands up and apologizes.

Shige shakes his head, “It’s okay. You are filming your movie too tomorrow, right? I heard it from Kotaki.”

With that, Shige stands up too and he walks Kento to the door. The last time he had Kento in this place, he couldn’t even walk him properly to the door like this. But this time, he makes sure that he will smile when Kento leave this place.

But he still have something that bothers him. As he watches Kento wear his shoes, he gathers his courage and ask.

“Hey, can I ask something?” Shige breaks the silence.

“...Yes?” Kento says without looking at Shige at first, then he stands up to look at him properly after he wear his shoes.

Shige hesitates for a moment, but he says it eventually, “Are you going back together with him?”

Kento’s face is unreadable for a moment, then it’s like he is contemplating what answer should he give to Shige. In the end he shakes his head.

“No, we’re not getting back together.”

“What? Why?” Shige looks surprised, he can’t understand at all.

“Well, I’m giving him a chance to prove it to me that I can trust him again, but no, we’re not getting back together yet. I guess I still need time to recover from everything,” Kento smiles sadly.

Shige nods, he can understand this reason. “But what makes you change your mind and giving him another chance, though?”

Kento looks like he is thinking for a while again. His eyes still bore to the far distance beyond Shige’s reach when he says, “I’m tired lying to myself. Telling myself lies that I don’t love him anymore.”

Then Kento looks back and smile to Shige, “I realized that the love we share is bigger than the the mistakes he did, that’s why I give him another chance.”

Kento is smiling but Shige is worried a bit, “Are you really sure about this?”

The smile on Kento’s face widen, “Yes, I’m so sure about this. I know it’s gonna take so long for us to learn how to love each other without hurting ourselves, but this is far better than anything else.”

“You really love him, don't you?” Shige smiles weakly.

“I do. Even though I have to learn it the painful way that the love we share is not always sunshine and rainbow, I do still love him. People might call me a fool, but I love him with the rain and storm that he brings to my life.” The smile on Kento’s face never fade. 

Then Kento is taking his bag from the floor, ready to leave now.

“I’ve learned that love gives you not only happiness, but also sadness. And from all of that, I can be myself right now. Like it or not, this painful experience has helped me grow. I don’t want to see you hurt, but it would make me happy if one day you can find someone who will love you unconditionally and help you grow to be a better person.”

Shige actually lets a genuine smile to Kento’s words. “But that person is not you.”

Kento smiles back and says, “Yes, that person is not me.”

Kento pulls Shige into a long warm hug before he finally leaves Shige alone with his unrequited feelings.

 

***

 

When Kento arrives at the apartment he once shared with Fuma, he is not really surprised to see boxes everywhere. But he is a bit surprised because he can smells food from inside.

“Fuma?” he shouts a little because the boxes are blocking his way and he is kind of stuck near the entrance.

“Here!” Fuma shouts back. His voice coming from the kitchen direction.

Kento carefully find his way to the kitchen, and when finally there, he is welcomed by the view that makes his whole expression light in joy.

“Are you really cooking right now when you only have less than 16 hours to pack all of these stuffs before the moving company come?” Kento laughs.

“Just shut up, and make yourself useful!” Fuma says back.

But Kento just keep laughing and standing next to Fuma without helping him with anything. 

“You really just gonna stand there and not helping me?” Fuma asks, and Kento just smiles childishly.

“No dinner for you then,” Fuma says to Kento.

“Don’t be so mean like that!” Kento laughs.

“Help me cook this katsu, then you will be forgiven,” Fuma hands Kento a bowl full of flour.

“Let me wash my hands first.”

Kento washes his hands and takes the bowl from Fuma. He coat the chicken with the eggs and flour and panko, then he fried them on the pan.

Fuma is busy setting the table. He cooked his specialty for tonight’s dinner; curry. Kento always says that he loves the curry Fuma often made for his siblings, and that’s why for their last night here, Fuma thought he should make it for Kento.

“Seriously though, why you have to cook before you move? We can just take delivery you know,” Kento says while placing the katsu he fried on the table.

“I still owe you a dinner, remember?” Fuma says. Then he turns to the sink to wash his hands.

“Come wash your hands now, and let’s eat,” he says again.

When they both seated on their chairs, Kento feels nostalgic and he can’t help his smile. “What do you mean you still owe me a dinner?”

Fuma is busy choosing the katsu, he takes the bigger one and place it on Kento’s plate. 

“You really don’t remember?”

Kento shakes his head.

“That night before we broke up, it was my turn to make dinner,” from the way he says it, it’s clear that Fuma is not really fond of that memory.

Kento is surprised by Fuma’s words. He didn’t remember this at all. But it somehow makes his heart feels warm when he heard Fuma say that. Fuma is really making up to all their lost times.

He smiles softly then he places his hand on top of Fuma’s hand. “Thank you.”

He doesn’t emphasized what he thanks Fuma for, but they know it anyway, so Fuma just return it with a smile that only makes Kento’s smile becomes wider.

They eat and chat about many things until they don’t realize that it’s already past midnight. Kento looks at that clock on the wall he used to stare when he was waiting Fuma alone in this room.

“I missed my train,” Kento says tiredly.

Fuma turns around to see the clock too, “Oh, I didn’t realize it’s already this late.”

“I’m sorry!” Fuma turns around again and apologizes to Kento.

“It’s okay,” Kento smiles, “I can go to the filming location from here.”

“Do you want to borrow some clothes?” Fuma offers him.

“But you packed them already, I can’t ask you to open it again,” Kento feels a bit guilty.

“I actually put them in a suitcase because I want to take them myself. Can’t let a stranger handles my clothes, right,” Fuma shrugs simply.

The smile on Kento’s face is back again, “Thank you! I’m gonna borrow your clothes then.”  
“So, should we start cleaning now?” Kento continues.

“Um, can we skip that part and just go to sleep?” Fuma looks at Kento with the best puppy eyes he could make.

“Of course not! You will eventually not do it until the moving company come!” Kento laughs and scolds him.

Fuma pouts, but he immediately follows Kento when the older man stands up and takes the plates to the sink.

But Kento suddenly turns around when Fuma is behind him.

“No water fight. Be a good boy and listen to me. If you listen, cuddle is allowed for tonight,” Kento warns him.

And his warning is proved as effective because Fuma is definitely loving the idea of cuddling with Kento until morning.

When they finished, Kento help Fuma packed the cooking utensils, plates and everything else left in the kitchen into the box. There’s nothing they do tonight that doesn’t involve smiles and laughters. Kento is going to miss this so much, and he lets Fuma knows what he thinks when they’re cuddling on the bed at 3 in the morning.

“I think I’m gonna miss this so much,” Kento says.

Fuma kisses his forehead and says, “Me too.”

“I’m gonna miss seeing you sitting in front of me and eat dinner together with you like that. Honestly, I never think that seeing you eat will bring so much joy to me. It’s not like you have beautiful figure when you eat, it’s not good at all, really,” Fuma confesses.

But Kento pinches his side immediately after he heard what Fuma said. Fuma squeals at the sudden attack and that makes Kento laughs so hard. But Fuma launches his counterattack immediately after that by holding Kento still and blow to his ear. Kento is easily under his mercy. He tries to break free, but Fuma doesn’t let him. In the end he finds himself under Fuma’s warm body.

“I only allowed cuddle,” Kento sounds breathless.

“I know. I promise I won’t do anything,” Fuma whispers. But his fingers that caress Kento’s cheek seems to say something else.

Kento doesn’t fight at all when Fuma leans down and kiss him. 

It’s been so long since the last time they kissed like this. Ever since that day they decided to give themselves another try, Fuma never actually touch him. He kisses him on his cheeks or forehead or on his hands, but he never do it intimately, and he never kisses his lips again. He keeps his promise to give Kento time he needs until he can accept Fuma that way again.

But tonight, everything seems so different when they lay on their bed for the last time like this. Kento can feel that he is not that afraid of getting hurt again. And maybe that’s why he lets this happen.

Fuma keeps their kisses sweet. Never sucks Kento’s lower lip too deep to make it stay innocent. But the little sounds Fuma makes every time he lingers on his lips makes Kento thinks he wants more than just innocent kisses.

And suddenly Fuma stops. He kisses one of Kento’s cheeks and then whispers, “I love you.”

With just that word, Kento can feel the world is suddenly getting brighter. He smiles and looking foolishly in love again like he was more than a year ago.

Kento wants to stay like this forever, but Fuma has another plan, “You should at least sleep for a few hours before you go to work.”

It surprisingly makes Kento pouts when Fuma suggests him to sleep. But he compromises, “Will you hold me while I sleep?”

Fuma chuckles. He doesn’t look so surprised by Kento’s demand. “Sure. But let me set the alarm first,” he kisses Kento’s forehead again.

As Kento feels Fuma’s warm hug surround him, he thinks that this time maybe he really makes the best decision in his life.

Their journey is going to be a long and tough one. He doesn’t know when will he able to accept Fuma as his boyfriend again. But as long as they stay honest to themselves, and as long as he has this warm hug ready to hug him and love him every night, maybe he can really survive this one.

And by how Fuma suddenly kisses his forehead again and tighten his arms, Kento knows he is not the only who will put effort to this relationship this time.

~END~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm sorry if it turns out bad for you :")  
> The next chapter is an extra btw. I got the idea when I almost finish writing this fic. It's really short, but I thought it's better to post it on different chapter page.
> 
> Anyway, on the first chapter I said I was inspired by Unfaithful at first, but then I got inspired by other songs too. Those songs are Fools Love, Just a Feeling, Love Drought, Letting You Go, Fools, etc etc. And obviously the title is from the first song I mention there. Try find that song by searching 'you know I'm not sleeping, black coffee in evening' lol (and yes this line is the inspiration for the first chapter XD)


	9. EXTRA

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set on the next morning after the last scene.

“I’m sorry we overslept,” Fuma apologizes for numerous times already to Kento since they wake up this morning and found out that it’s already past 7. They’ve missed their alarm.

“It’s okay, it can’t be help since we were so tired,” Kento assures him while putting on the clothes Fuma lend him.

“But can you really make it? You have to be there at 8.30, right?” Fuma still looks worried. But Kento just laughs at him.

“I told you to not worry!” Kento is still laughing.

He moves around the apartment to collect his stuffs and put them back to his bag. He managed to take a quick shower while Fuma take out some clothes from his suitcase for Kento to wear, but Fuma is not really sure what Kento brings to this place last night that need to be put back inside his bag again this morning, so he let Kento do that task himself.

“You got everything?” Fuma asks, and Kento nods after checking his bag. 

“I called a taxi for you, and seems like it has arrived in front of the gate,” Fuma inform him while Kento is busy wearing his shoes.

Kento stands up and turn around to look at him, “Thank you! I gotta to now, I will call you later.”

Fuma smiles and waves him goodbye, but when Kento already push the door open, he stops suddenly and walks back to Fuma while rummaging his bag.

He takes out a piece of paper and hand it to Fuma. He smiles when he looks at how Fuma looks so lost and confused right now.

“It’s the address of my new apartment. Come visit me and Bonita later when you have the time,” he smiles and after hesitating for a moment he moves closer to Fuma and give him a sudden kiss.

There’s a shade of pink on Kento’s cheeks when he says to Fuma, “I’m going now.”

And Fuma was so stunned by the sudden kiss until it takes him 2 seconds to react and say back, “Have a good day.”

He watches Kento smiles and leave the house. Then he thinks to himself when he is alone again in this place. Their last morning routine, their last exchange in this place they once called home, seems like this ending is the perfect beginning for their new journey.


End file.
